So many dad friends tell me about their visitation struggles much less custody arrangements. Mine has not been a shinning example of what happens after divorce, either. As the kids get older, the years of parental gaslighting of the other parent has become impressions and labels that have all but hardened. But as kids get older, they get smarter and they will make their own determinations.

This article would not have been possible until my daughter got to an age where her voice mattered—not just as an independent teenager where most family court judges would agree she’s aging out of the system, but her opinion actually enshrined a new court order that was specifically drafted for her.

For almost my daughter’s entire life, her mother and I have been in contentious conflict over custody, finances and even choice of school. We’ve been to court many times and every time a judgement was ordered, my daughter was fortunate enough that the judges ruled for the betterment of the child.

For so long, our conflict has been the polar legal interpretation of either parents’ side. It was assumed that both sides represented the best interest of the child and often one parent won while the other lost in this zero-sum game. So how is it possible that seemingly two rights still make a wrong?

It was not a compromise; it was actually a third alternative, independent of the others but inextricably linking the two.

But as uncanny as it sounds, even a coin has a third side that gives the heads and the tails dimension. In fact, it’s this third thin cylinder that connects the two opposing side and that’s what gives the whole system commonality.

My daughter’s official Voice of the Child report was recorded by a court licensed psychologist and after interviewing all three parties, a report was produced for the Judge. Based on this report, a court order spelled out the terms of custody, school and structured a forward-looking view of support that finally settled the discussion. It was not a compromise; it was actually a third alternative, independent of the others but inextricably linking the two.

The zero-sum game ended with the judge’s gavel who authoritatively settled the decade long conflict. In the end, it was my daughter who brought forward the wrecking ball to demolish the arguments and supplanted both sides. My daughter’s choice at the end of the day is far more meaningful and ultimately far more sustainable.

It’s ironic, while I felt it was important to learn to fight battles, it was she, who showed me that it was more important to learn to end wars.