Should you tell parents their kid is an absolute monster?

e love public attractions like stadiums, museums and aquariums. We also love the parks and many other family-friendly venues, especially in the spring. And then my opinion changes quickly as I come face-to-face with the results of people’s parenting: kids of all sizes, shapes, stripes come streaming out of the classrooms and homes screaming all sorts of excitement and expletives in unruly fashion.

I wasn’t there, but in one instance, my daughter told me one of the kids (who was a head shorter than my daughter) called her an f-ing bee-­with-an-itch in the playground! I’m okay with loud voices. I’m okay with rough words. I’m even okay with playful shoves and pushes as kids vie for position in the playground. But I’m not okay with someone throwing hateful misogynic speech at my daughter. This kid’s upbringing has every shade of wrong. While I have stated from the very beginning that there’s never one correct way to parent a child; implicit in this is the fact that there are many ways to do it incorrectly. And when a male child feels emboldened enough to tell a much taller female peer to go fornicate herself, the civility of this child, his parents and society as a whole has degraded. It’s too bad I wasn’t there, but I wonder if this kid would have had the iron to say what he said if I were. I also wondered what I would have done. And this is the question to all parents: to what extent would you or even should you call out bad behavior from other people’s kids? Probably not.

Deliberate silence will speak far greater volume than any words.  Children squabbles are too junior and temporary to require a permanent solution and other people’s kids are not your problems to fix.

However, if this child pulls a flaming shish kebob out of a BBQ and starts running toward my daughter, I would not politely ask this child to reconsider his actions. My actions would be very vocal and very public. This way, my loud words would serve as a warning to my daughter to run from the threat; serve as an alarm for the child to stop; and my loud words would serve as a broadcast to the parents to intervene. I’m not one to throw myself on a grenade if one is thrown; I will scream out so everyone can react.  So if I expect a kid to know better, then I probably wouldn’t be too polite about it either. But that’s my approach. It works for me and I have never gotten pushback from anyone for publicly sticking up for my daughter.

But misdemeanor needn’t come only from the nameless public. It could happen during an arranged visit where the play dates’s younger siblings are the menace. Or by happenstance, your daily activities bring you and other strange rug-rats together.  If conflict does arise, it’s probably just a nuisance and not a big enough issue to make a stink about it. As adults, we don’t always get along with everyone, so expecting children to be peacemakers is ideal but not realistic. Conflict always has two sides and turning down the heat by separating the parties should is the best first step. You don’t need to understand the whole situation nor do you need to resolve the conflict for them. If this step is done quickly, effectively and firmly, the conflicting parties will sense it and that should be enough. Admonishing other children for bad behavior gives them no benefit and brings you no relief. Admonishing your child in front of others is one sure way to yank support from her. And she will never forget you made it worse. Chances are, you weren’t there and you don’t know what happened, so take your daughter’s side and separate the parties or be neutral and separate the parties. Your directive to defuse should be applicable to everyone. And if you have to discipline your child, do it in private.

In the end, unless other children are being abusive or pose immediate danger to you or your daughter, there is little you need to do beyond calling a timeout. Often, deliberate silence will speak far greater volume than any words.  Take the high road and leave if it persists. Children squabbles are too junior and temporary to require a permanent solution and other people’s kids are not your problems to fix. In my opinion, there are two things people get emotional about in this world. I avoid both by not borrowing money from people or disciplining their kids.