Guys, stop doing these 3 things with your ex

There is much great advice for parents: treat your child like a person, only smaller; don’t yell at them; don’t fight with your spouse in front of them, etc. Okay, I broke those rules. Then as divorced parents, even better advice: don’t speak badly about your ex; don’t use your kid to spy on your ex; don’t control when they can see the other parent, etc. Okay, I broke those rules, too.

Divorce is tough and even worse for the kids. This article isn’t about how you can make amends or minimize the trauma you both have done to your child. This article is to point out the things you probably still do with your ex that is continuing to traumatize your child. As a man, here are three things you probably should stop doing with your ex, right now.

Divorce is tough and even worse for the kids. As a man, there are three things you should probably stop doing with your ex, right now and simply focus on building the best father/daughter relationship. If you’re lucky, you’ll have at least a dozen more years before she leaves home for college. Divide that by shared custody and you have six years left with your child. So put that into perspective and focus on what you want to spend your time on.

One, your logic won’t work. You could be part Vulcan and your reasoning, flawless; you’ve presented your facts and you’ve back it up with analytics. But your ex doesn’t care. Logic is a tool (weapon) you use to convince your ex to do something. Unless it is court ordered, chance of her complying is low. At the end of the day, she doesn’t care about your reason (or you for that matter). She probably only cares about not giving you what you want.

Two, your project management won’t work. You’ve carefully created a Gantt chart complete with waterfall start to finish diagrams highlighting the timely flow of events. You’ve borrowed a day here and extended a weekend there so that, on the whole, shared custody is maintained for everyone. She doesn’t care about your timelines (or you for that matter). She only cares about spending time with her daughter.

Three, doesn’t matter if you’re right, it still won’t work. You could be a top notch litigator arguing your case with pros and cons. You’ve got examples to underscore the legitimacy of your position; historical precedents have established the principle of rightness. She doesn’t care about your claim (or you for that matter). She especially doesn’t care about you being right.

As for what your ex does? Well, it would be inaccurate if I wrote from their perspective. But my guess is that you are probably experiencing a number of things like: her limiting or controlling your child’s contact with you; changing custody dates and times at the last minute; refusing to be flexible or to accommodate changes when you request them; take liberties with the child’s extracurricular schedule; use the kid as messenger or spy; or any number of financial tricks to make your life miserable.

Think about what you say and do and think about what she says and does. How much of it is directed at each other and not at the child? Then it becomes abundantly clear where your energy is wasted. What’s worked for me in my current situation is a complete reduction of the minutes we spend on the phone: zero. We have minimum contact in text and emails: only child related ones are responded to. When my child returns from her mom’s, I sometimes notice a shift in behavior that I need to detox. Other than that, I don’t counter my ex’s statements or actions with my daughter. She’s getting to the age where she can clearly see both sides. I simply focus on building the best father/daughter relationship.

Your child is young; if you’re lucky, you’ll have at least a dozen more years before she leaves home for college. Divide that by shared custody and you have six years left with your child. So let’s put things into perspective and really focus on what you want to spend your time on. Ignore the minor irritants, minimize the large issues and if core interests are at stake, go to court and deal with it permanently. Life’s too short.