Every time, my daughter and I go to a dinner with friends or family, she always asks if there are other kids there. Sometimes there are and sometimes there aren’t. And when there aren’t any, I allow her to go on her device, but only after the meal is done and the adults are socializing. I remember as a kid how boring adult conversations were so I would imagine that little has changed. Because I am the youngest child, by the time my daughter came around, she’s the youngest of all her cousins. She does have second cousins, but they are too young for her to have meaningful company.
And as the adults continue to flap their lips, ignoring the kids’ diminishing attention span, it’s no wonder the kids feel ignored and disconnected. Some parents are stern and disallow all sorts of devices and headphones citing antisocial behavior! In a boring setting without any distractions and layer on some child-minding duties where a child is expected to watch over or entertain even younger children, a trifecta of discontent emerges. This is the origins of loathing family gatherings.
Infrequent gatherings to mark holidays, celebrations and milestones are far more meaningful (and enjoyable) than forced, habitual and seemingly dutiful get-togethers just for the sake of it.
My daughter experiences a lot of trifecta moments with her mom’s family gatherings. She is the eldest grandchild with two other much younger cousins. She often gets in trouble for not playing with them or playing too roughly. Regardless of what happens, my daughter’s the one who gets blamed when they cry or don’t get what they want. And unfortunately, these young kids know how to manipulate the situation and so my daughter winds up not wanting to go to family gatherings on her mom’s side because of it. “There’s gotta be something you like doing over there,” I said. There’s a dog! “Can you play with the dog?” Not allowed. Dog gets too excited and runs around the house. “Take it for a walk.” Not allowed, can’t go out by myself. “Go with someone then.” They don’t want to leave the house. We tried to explore other diversions and in the end, my daughter had decided that she’ll just be numbed during each and every visit. Eventually she said that when she gets older, she won’t even go.
I was trying to mitigate her boredom at these family gatherings and suggested bringing games, watching a movie, going to the playground or even helping to cook. All my ideas were shot down either because they were tried, had mediocre results, lack of interest or just outright dismissed. I can see how she’d be bored, as I too became tired from that conversation. “What about bringing someone? Does your step-sibling want to go?” I finally offered. No, different family and mom didn’t want to mix. “What?!” I inquired and reacted with distain. “Family is family. Okay, how about bringing a friend for dinner?” Brought a girl friend from school once and mom didn’t like her because she was rude. Eventually, I stopped trying to solve my daughter’s problem. Ultimately, it’s not even her problem; it’s my ex’s.
It may just be happening earlier at her mom’s side, but I too anticipate that one day, my daughter will tell me that she’d rather opt out of a family gathering for her own reasons. Setting aside significant family dinners, not every gathering is mandatory. I must accept her reasons as there were times, I too, have opted out of attending family gatherings due to calendar conflicts. This will be especially evident as her meaningful priorities will increasingly trump ordinary family get togethers. That’s not really a bad thing. Infrequent gatherings to mark holidays, celebrations and milestones are far more meaningful (and enjoyable) than forced, habitual and seemingly dutiful get-togethers just for the sake of it.
