Don’t judge my daughter; the world will do that soon enough

Often, when my family or friends I haven’t seen in a while get together, they remark how much my daughter has grown. Almost always, they comment on her looks. She’s pretty. She has high cheekbones. She has thick locks. Good complexion, etc, etc. Almost always, they make a comment to me that I need to get a shotgun to keep the boys away. My daughter is 11 years-old and while we’ve had many discussions about the birds and the bees, dating boys and fornicating is not on her mind; nor on the minds of her male peers. I laugh it off and wished I could snap my Thanos fingers. But in reality, I wish they’d disband the stereotypes and stop judging my daughter on things that if I had a son, wouldn’t get called out.

For starters, stop judging my daughter on her physical appearance. Whether it is her looks, her hair, her clothes and especially her development undergoing puberty, it’s just creepy. Besides the fact that girls are much more than their looks, it’s also sexist. No one would comment about how shiny a boy’s hair is or his complexion or especially if he goes shirtless on a field. There’s so much more to a girl’s whole person and none require assumptions or judgment. And besides, what criteria are they using to judge? I just wish people would ask her about the things they don’t see. Like schoolwork, her goals or even as simple as the last book she read. Inquire into her mind.

 

I will rather watch her fail because she is learning to do something she chooses than to watch her succeed because she is doing something I choose.

 

Stop judging my daughter on diet and choice of foods. First of all, she’s a pre-teen. She has an appetite that is determined by growth spurts. Sometimes, she’ll graze, other times, she’ll devour. Second, she has the constitution of a horse and can eat a dozen donuts in one sitting and not affect her waistline. Third, she’s been taught how to eat well and has access to wholesome, healthy foods. Her choice to dip into a bowl of chips and down a can of pop in the infrequent times you see her is not indicative and none of your business.

Stop judging my daughter on her choice of sports. Growing up, she’d played with dolls and cars. She follows me around in the kitchen as well as the garage. She also does plenty of cleaning up the dishes as well as taking the garbage to the curb because in my single-dad household, there’s no such thing as gender roles. We do it all or it simply doesn’t get done. So if she decides she likes to swim and climb trees, she’s not a tomboy. She’s just active. If she decides she likes watching Star Wars and talk Clone Wars instead of reading a book, she may be a geek instead of a bookworm. And if she likes watching Tinkerbell vs wrestling, it’s probably because she’s recalling positive memories and experiences from her past. What she does and doesn’t do are only temporary aspects of who she is and her choice.

This isn’t to say that I don’t judge my daughter. I do. But I don’t do it along gender lines. I’ll shower praise and rain down harsh words based on my daughter’s commitment, sincerity and against her own highest ideals. I will rather watch her fail because she is learning to do something she chooses than to watch her succeed because she is doing something I choose. She is my daughter and we celebrate everything. And we do it for us, not you.