One of my oldest friends since high school and I have much in common. And in parallel. After high school, we went to the same town but different universities, but we lost touch. We both wound up working for the same multinational company but were posted to different countries and didn’t know we had the same employer. It wasn’t until some of our common high school alumni friends got together some twenty years later did we rediscover each other. We both had come off international assignments and found ourselves in the same city. Socializing. Dating. We commiserated and even gave each other advice on women and within 12 months, we were married to our partners and had kids within the same time period. It was uncanny.
Our kids got together early because we visited each other often and our jobs didn’t require us to travel insane schedules. We attended each other’s Christmas dinners, spent long weekends and even vacationed together. My daughter got to know my buddy’s son who is older by one year. He has a younger sister who is just one year my daughter’s junior. They all hung out but understandably, the interest in movies and music were more aligned for the older two.
As the kids broke into the teenage years, their conversations involved social trends, friends and even interest in the other sex. Although I was never a part of those conversations, I knew that the discussion had taken a different turn. The telltale sign was that the younger sister was left out of some dialogs out of discretion.
On the way back from their house, I turned to my daughter and asked nonchalantly what she and the boy were discussing. “Stuff,” she replied. That’s confirmation of edgy topics she’d rather not discuss with me. I went out on a limb and said to my daughter, “Don’t date him. You guys have been childhood friends and going out in that way, changes the friendship. Don’t make it weird and ruin my bromance with my buddy.” What?!? Dad!!! she exclaimed in shocked denial.
Don’t date his son. You guys have been childhood friends and going out in that way, changes the friendship. Don’t make it weird and ruin my bromance with my buddy.
I explained to my daughter that while it’s safe to explore different aspects of an existing friendship with someone you already know, childhood exploration in dating is something none of them have any experience in and they are largely guided by social and external factors. There’s also the possibility that they’ll find incompatibilities in each other’s character and personalities that cannot be reconciled except through separation. Without the maturity to deal with these types of emotions, avoidance is the only escape route which ultimately burns the bridge—not only for themselves but for all of us who had pre-existing friendship (particularly my high school friend) from which all things sprang.
From the passenger seat, my daughter looked at me in stunned silence. She wasn’t sure whether she was impressed that her old man had correctly guessed these nascent emotions or at the bluntness in which I have laid out the consequences of actions she had not yet taken. She had no retort other than to confirm that it would get weird, and she wouldn’t know what would happen if things went south. “It just means that you guys won’t want to hang out at the cottage anymore and if I ever wanted to hang out with my friend, I’d have to do it alone without the families in tow.”
Beyond the decade long friendship between my daughter and my buddy’s son, both knew they had a solid friendship. Taking that next step might be a safe choice, but we don’t live in a commune or practice arranged marriages. In fact, setting all things aside, dating someone in another nearby city is a logistical nightmare. Also, it’s not like either are hurting from a plethora of knuckle-draggers and pick-me’s as there are many in their social circles from which to chose. She also felt that not going down this path didn’t make her feel rebuffed. It was just a caution sign that should be observed.
My daughter took a long look at me and after a long pause, said “How do you know all of this?” I took an equally long look at my daughter without taking my eye off the road and said, ‘Because daddy was once a boy’. I wish I had coaching about the value of different types of friendship. She’s growing up fast. So fast! I’m not ready!!!
