How to mess with your kid: throw her shit out

Cinderella was my daughter’s favorite Disney character when she was three years-old. When the two of us decided to make a trip to the Magic Kingdom, we went to the Disney Store first and bought a Cinderella dress just so she can pose with her heroine. The moment was so precious and the encounter so momentous, it had become a core memory for my three year-old. Even after the trip, my daughter still wore her dress around the house and often used it as pajamas. When she grew out of it, her mom put the dress away. A few years later, my daughter asked me where her Cinderella dress went. “It’s not at dad’s house,” I said. “Must be at mom’s.” Then my daughter learned that her mom gave it away! Disappointment cannot begin to describe my daughter’s grief.

Whether her mom gave it away, donated to charity or threw it in the trash, it didn’t matter to my daughter one bit. It was gone. Forever. I felt her pain. My own mother threw away two banker boxes of comic books from my own childhood. I came home from college one day to discover they were gone. Forever. I forgave my mother—eventually, but I never forgot it. Setting aside the commercial value of those now vintage comics, I will never be able to enjoy those first editions again. I asked my daughter if she would like me to buy a replacement dress. She uttered behind tears, “No. It won’t be the same.”

By definition, children with two households don’t have a single place of refuge they can claim and guard at all times. They need to believe that their sanctuary remains inviolate particularly in their absence. Without it, I believe this will erode trust and it keeps the child in a state of fear that their things are not safe in the house.

I know of parents who take liberties with their children’s belongings. They either force their child to give away toys or clothes or do it behind their backs. I also know of parents who use withholding as punishment for misbehavior; the toys are put away and eventually disappear. I’m not a fan of either approach because it tells the child that you own their stuff and you have the authority to dispose of it as you saw fit. Psychologically, this is very damaging to them. With repeated occurrence, I believe this will erode trust and it keeps the child in a state of fear that their things are not safe in the house.

I am not one for clutter and I do keep a tidy house. My closet gets an annual once-over as bags of stuff are sent for donation or trash. But I take a more gentle approach to my daughter’s room. While I will never allow her to bring feral animals into the house, eat in her room or use the floor as a closet, on the whole, she decides how to arrange her little world in this space. Her room is pretty much her private domain, and I respect that. But to gain that respect, she has to uphold her responsibilities to look after this space.  So once a year, I tell my daughter to sort her outgrown items into four piles: stuff for keepsake (as mementos), stuff for hand-me-down (to cousins or friends), stuff to donate and garbage. With enough encouragement, most of the items in her first pile make it to the other three. But this is her decision, not solely mine. I also try to take the same approach with her toys. She knows that I will not clean up after her but will tolerate her Lego or puzzles being left in place until she returns from her mom’s in a week. I do tell her to confine her play area though, so I don’t step on wayward Lego pieces with bare feet. In general, my daughter knows that if things are tidy and out of the way, her stuff is left untouched until she returns. In this house, she’s actually not obsessed about her things as she knows that her belongings won’t be misplaced or go missing.

I believe it is important to observe and respect these boundaries especially in children. We would never want to find our own work area reconfigured or have our belongings directed to the trash without notice. Heck, we get upset even if our browser bookmarks are missing! This is expressly important for kids with two households. By definition, they don’t have a single place of refuge they can claim and guard at all times. They need to believe that their sanctuary remains inviolate particularly in their absence; it simply boils down to trust. Keeping a clean house and arbitrarily deciding on the fate of your child’s belongings are two separate things. The former creates an uncluttered, comfortable and mutual family home for both of you; the latter will ensure that the uncluttered, comfortable home is yours only.