Icame home one day and discovered that my daughter had brought home one of her friends after school. She was introduced and we exchanged hellos and I asked the general questions about how school was going and if they found snacks to eat. I went upstairs and only a few moments later, my daughter told me that her friend was leaving. I didn’t think much about it and muttered something agreeable.
I came down to the kitchen and asked jokingly if my presence prompted her friend to leave. “No dad, her parents tracked her phone to this location and since they haven’t met you before, they wanted her to leave and go home.” You’re kidding, right? “Nope. Her parents are quite strict that way.” But you guys are in Grade 11. You’re 16. A little over a year from now, you all could be leaving home to uni. “Yeah.” Wow.
I made myself a drink (even though it’s only late afternoon). I’ve always been open about alcohol use with my daughter and since I didn’t need to drive, I mixed a drink and contemplated what to make for dinner. On a warm night once upon a time, I even shared a cigar with my daughter. Growing up, I’ve given her lots of opportunities to feel grown up with sleepovers and being home alone. My belief is that such small doses of independence and opportunities to make decisions build trust between father and daughter.
It’s not about being smart, it’s about being deprived of years of dry runs and situations where the parents should have coached their child in micro-doses so that they do not drown in a sea of choices later in life.
I don’t think her parents are doing her a favor, I said to my daughter at dinner. If they don’t trust their 16 year-old daughter to make good decisions, it’s a declaration about the parents, not the child. What would you do if I put this type of restriction on you? “Knowing what I know, I’d rebel.” But you may not know how to rebel because these restrictions would have been placed on you since you were little. You wouldn’t know any other way. “No, I would. I have friends in school.” She has a very valid point.
So, your friend is smart. She must compare her level of freedom with yours, I said. “She does,” my daughter replied. So, what are her thoughts? “She’s biding time and will leave after Grade 12.” So, she can’t wait to escape. I hope she will be able to manage the freedom the moment it all hits her in her face. “She’s smart,” my daughter affirmed. It’s not about being smart, it’s about being deprived of years of dry runs and situations where the parents should have coached their child in micro-doses so that they do not drown in a sea of choices later in life.
“I think that’s why all my friends like you, dad. Some of the guys even want to add you to their social.” Yeah, I know, I rejected them. More than once. I laughed. Well, just realize kids of overprotective parents can have their sense of independence, resilience and self-image hindered. The parents aren’t doing them a favor.
Weeks later, my daughter asked if I was interested in having this friend’s parents come over for dinner. I laughed and thought that this kid is smart and looking for an intervention. Sure. They can come over. Maybe the parents wanted to see how my daughter is parented. I secretly think that these parents know they need to loosen up. Otherwise, why come to the home of a rebel-raiser?
