She’s a child of divorce. She’s lived this way since she was two years-old. With two homes, two rooms, two sets of toys, clothes, books and everything. As her belongings are split and scattered, she used to gripe about forgetting a jacket or a pair of shoes at one house or the other. But she’s long figured out the logistics and plans accordingly. However, there are things that simply can’t be divided and it’s impossible to choose.
The relationship I have with her mother hasn’t improved since the divorce. I do my best to keep her static to a minimal and away from my daughter. But inevitably, it sparks in my daughter’s world and she either side steps it or manages without involving either side. I recognize her internal struggle. She wasn’t the child who decided to be raised in a divorce setting; it happened to her. Inherently, she has equal stake in both sides whether conscious or not. And in asking her to choose, even the minutest of choices is tantamount to asking her to choose between her left or right hand. Both are an intrinsic part of her identity. It doesn’t take much to empathize. Anyone with bi-racial parents, or immigrants to a new country or even families who speak multiple languages understand the complexity of their mosaic make-up.
It doesn’t take much to empathize. Anyone with bi-racial parents, or immigrants to a new country or even families who speak multiple languages understand the complexity of their mosaic make-up.
Often the conflict arises in the child when an agenda is pushed down by one of the parents driven by unresolved personal and emotional circumstances. Ultimatums and guilt tripping or often used to influence a young mind. Gaslighting also ensues. It’s a dangerous game when a child is manipulated in this way. I know just as many children of divorced, as I do children of married parents, who have this experience. Conflict may even be more pronounced in some married homes!
But as surely as night follows day, children do grow up. They will eventually resent the situation they were put into by the controlling parent for narrating falsehoods, lost time and most importantly, loss of trust. And if a parent is ill or dies altogether, it’s the lost opportunity that can never be recovered. Depending on the severity, a child in this situation may have lost both parents, dead or alive.
What many parents fail to realize is the long horizon of parenting. It doesn’t end when a child grows up and leaves home for school or becomes an adult. In fact, the impact of a child’s parenting is lifelong. While the parents may make rudimentary decisions about calendars, school and friends, those decisions have shelf lives. Decisions made situationally in the short term have remarkable longevity as they shape and influence not only the child, but the relationship of the parent-child dyad.
Eventually, it’s the parents that will live with the child’s decision.
