Since my last overseas-business trip was accompanied by my daughter, I have taken a few more—by myself. And they are all out of country trips. Now my feelings have shifted from general worrisome to increasing assuredness for leaving my 16 year-old daughter at home by herself…for a few days.
In the past, my level of discomfort was proportional to the amount of time I was away. When she was very young, she simply stayed at her mom’s. But as she got older, she only went there during school nights primarily for the logistics of meals. On the weekends, she stayed in our empty house. In fact, as I have increasingly become aware, my daughter tends to crave alone time more and more.
My daughter said to me, “Dad, you have a lot of alone time. When I used to live with mom half the time, you were by yourself during that whole time. When you travel now, even though you work with other people, you still have a lot of alone time and can chill by yourself at night in a hotel. And if you drive instead of fly, that’s even more time by yourself on the Interstate listening to music and audiobooks. I can’t do that.”
I’m also figuring out the balance between providing adequate distance for independence and reckless abandonment.
So you don’t begrudge me for leaving for a week? “No, dad,” my daughter replied. “In fact, I kind of like it.” ‘Cause I worry about your safety, your health, if you have food, know how to cook and whether you might forget about the gas stove and burn the house down. “Dad!” Okay, okay.
As I contemplate her solitude at home whilst I’m lying in a hotel room nine hundred miles away, I am actually comforted that she finds peace in separateness. That is so rare in a young person. Here I am worried about her physical well-being when all the while, she’s sowing her emotional well-being. I find it even more comforting that my daughter is not only at ease with being alone with her thoughts but actively seeks out the opportunities to be socially unplugged.
Our brief nightly phone calls confirm not only hers, but my comfort-level in leaving her at home. “But don’t be gone for too long, dad,” my daughter stated fervently as I was once away for two weeks. It’s nice to be needed and I’m also figuring out the balance between providing adequate distance for independence and reckless abandonment.
Don’t worry, I replied. I’m sure after I come back, you’ll be asking when I’m leaving again!
