She stayed at home all by herself!
During an aftercare pickup, I bumped into one of the dads I know well. My daughter, recognizing this dad and said she hadn’t seen her friend at school all day. He confirmed, “Yes, she’s been sick at home. I’m here to pick up the younger sister.” I sympathized and said it must be difficult for mom to take time off work. He quipped, “Neither one of us took time off work. She’s home by herself!” My daughter heard and her jaw dropped! She’s only one grade behind her 10 year old friend! The dad also added, “She still had homework and reading to do. There’s food in the fridge and we left her a cell phone.” My daughter’s mind started to spin up as I can see a plan being hatched. Not too long ago, she was tall enough to sit in the front seat of the car and she never went back. It’s just a matter of time before she continues to knock down those boundaries. “When can I stay home by myself?” she asked.
In some states, a child isn’t allowed alone at home until they are 14; others as young as 8. In Canada, the general recommendation is 10 but 12 if they are also looking after younger siblings. Europe takes a similar approach and in Asia, most places have no real guideline and parents wonder what the fuss is about! I remember attending a house party back when I was in high school when the parents of the host were on vacation. The house was simply mobbed after piles of people showed up. It was like a party scene in an 80’s movie! Epic! Decades, later, I still remember how some teenagers shouldn’t be left alone at home—much less a 9 year-old.
You’ve spent her younger years child-proofing your home and then street-proofing your child. It’s now time to home-proof your child so she begins to learn how to hold down the fort.
But it really depends on the child and her maturity. I already allow my daughter to walk to a friend’s house; go to the corner store or even the neighborhood library by herself. I trust her judgment and she feels confident to undertake short-term independence. Fact of the matter is that I was already a latchkey kid at her age. So it was only natural that I allow her the same short-term independence whilst she is at home!
Then one night, we decided to order pizza for dinner. It was dark and cold outside. My daughter was already cozy in her pajamas and didn’t want to get dressed to go out again. Then I said, “Do you want to stay at home by yourself while daddy picks up the pizza?” Her eyes beamed, Really? We went through the usual discussion of her not going outside, not answering the door, I would bring my own keys, etc. I came back after 15 minutes to find her watching NETFLIX. “Did you miss me?” I inquired. She wasn’t even aware that 15 minutes had passed! But what I’m really glad is that she didn’t think it was a big deal.
As with my daughter’s front seat experience, what your daughter does at her age isn’t so much a discussion of legislative limitation, but rather a father and daughter discussion on what you both think are appropriate based on your comfort level and her maturity. How well your daughter handles responsibilities and non-routine situations will be very telling to her readiness. To prepare, have practice runs. Find situations and rehearse small opportunities of autonomy. Also talk about emergencies. Make sure she knows how to operate the locks, security systems, small appliance like microwave ovens and if the power goes out, she knows where the flashlight is and can reach you by phone. Make certain that she has snacks that don’t require hot stoves or preparation with knives. Review the rules about answering the door (including not opening the door for courier deliveries) and establish a frequency to check-in. You’ve spent her younger years child-proofing your home and then street-proofing your child. It’s now time to home-proof your child so she begins to learn how to hold down the fort. It was actually quite liberating for both of us!