How parents get in the way of a child’s independence
Erna Furman was a prolific writer in matters dealing with child psychology. Much of her work deals with the developmental requirements of children. Of relevance to this article is Furman’s work on the four stages of independence. We can learn how to promote it and understand the most frequent obstacles children face: their parents.
Universally, parents are already familiar with the first two stages: do for and do with. In the first stage, infants and toddlers rely on parents for almost all aspects of life as many things are done for them. In the second stage, a child can offer meaningful participation with the parent’s supervision as a child repeatedly attempts things like tying her shoelaces.
It is the third stage, standby, the development of a child’s autonomy butts up against the reluctance of parents who are either not ready to let go or lets go too soon. While a child at this stage may be able to functionally complete the task on their own with a parent nearby, she lacks the emotional maturity to carry out the task without a high degree of guidance or direction that initiated the action. Parents who are not quite ready to let go will struggle with their diminishing sense of parenthood. They may prolong the do for and do with stages even when the child is fully capable and expected to do things for themselves. Contrast this with the mindset that some parents have the expectation that since their child can do it once, they can do it again (unsupervised). This standoffish approach of holding back support and allowing the child to struggle thinking it might encourage problem solving skills might be helpful for specific things, but if applied in general, will strand the child leaving her feeling abandoned. Most children still need a parent to standby simply because parental presence is necessary for them to build confidence which will then lead to independence.
A child’s independence stems from cognitive development layered with mental, emotional and social well-being. This takes a long time to develop. And that timing is for our child to determine.
My ex-wife and I, like many moms and dads, often clash in this third stage. She’s not quite ready to let go compared to me constantly encouraging our daughter to take flight. I do admit that sometimes, I push my daughter to the point she redlines. But I back off quickly. I also admit that sometimes, my tough love approach brings her to unnecessary tears. But just as much as my daughter is trying to figure out how to be my kid, I am trying to figure out how to be her dad. Those areas often overlap and changes constantly over time as she gets older. We’re both going to make mistakes and we’ll have our ups and downs. If life was a giant Snakes and Ladders game, then I am okay if we occasionally take tumbles as long as we are trending up.
In the fourth and final stage of developing independence, doing it for themselves, it’s all our faith in them. It has less to do with age and more to do with the task at hand and what is appropriate given the maturity of the growing child. At the end of the day, they are kids and have varying degrees of comfort levels even if they are competent. It is also not helpful to compare them to peers and blame them for not being able to do something. The child’s independence stems from cognitive development layered with mental, emotional and social well-being. This takes a long time to develop, so don’t mistake the mammalian fight or flight response to be a barometer of higher brain functions. Also, don’t assume a child’s self-confidence to consistently translate into autonomy, either. How confident were we when we first drove our manual transmission car up a hill from rest? Aptitude will follow belief and our children will eventually be able to do everything for themselves, with a lot of failed attempts. But that timing isn’t for us, as parents, to determine; that timing is for our child to determine when she feels it is time to take flight. Remember, parenting is not about the parents!
