Why you can’t be my Number One
While my daughter may have discovered that daddy’s on Tinder and other dating apps and she may even be okay with me seeing other people, she’s still not okay with me remarrying. But between first coffee and the altar, is a long road that will give us both enough time to grow and adjust a lot. My journey into simple adult socializing, much less dating a potential significant other, has been a long and tortuous one. For one thing, the dating scene has seriously changed since I first met my now ex-wife; more often than not, a coffee isn’t just a coffee anymore—it’s an interview. And I have grown tired of being recruited as a replacement boyfriend, husband, father or replacement somebody. For another, even though I am a ‘single-again guy’, I’m not technically a ‘single-guy again’. I am a father to a daughter. That’s an unchanging reality.
At this age, my daughter is now old enough to give me pointers on how to dress, comb my hair and other tips so I don’t walk and talk like a dork! Even though she doesn’t want anything between us to change (I keep telling her that it’s impossible for me to forget her), she’s still not keen on having a new person taking up her time with daddy. But, she is old enough to understand that daddy needs to socialize with adults. A condition of this middle ground is whoever is in my life, I have to listen to her assessment and opinion. That’s a fair request and one I would expect reciprocity for when my daughter will introduce me to her significant other one day.
While you may be a ‘single-again guy’, you are not a ‘single-guy again’. Your date has to be cool, understanding and accepting of the fact that you’re already a dad. Any new relationship has to start from there.
I do my fraternizing when my daughter is with her mom but my phone is always on. There have been a couple of times when I was called for a variety of reasons and my adult plans were changed or even disrupted. Assuming you didn’t hide the fact you have a child(ren) during your first drink, your date has to be cool, understanding and accepting. I am already a dad and any new relationship has to start from there. If the other person is not okay or you discover that they are slightly or moderately annoyed, end it. Their feelings will never warm to your daughter. And truth be told, you can’t really divert attention away for long, especially if you are a majority or sole custody father. For me, I still try to do everything, but like a battleship, I need more time and warning to change plans and directions.
Being a father—especially to a daughter—has definitely changed me. Women perceived me to be more responsible, more sensitive and more emotionally available. Men perceive me to be more patient, more empathetic and soft spoken. I accept all the labels, but believed that I was always capable of those stereotypes. I will also admit that being the father of a young person, I do notice I’ve become more grounded, balanced and measured in my deliberations. As a girl-dad, I find myself more equitable and transparent. I don’t ever pretend to be a chest thumping, macho man throwing my weight around; I’d often take the mature high road. But there are times, the tiger dad in me will come out swinging, claws and all. I think having the ability to step between being soft and hard have definite attractive powers unto itself.
There’s something to be said about once unruly young men being tamed and saddled not by their lovers turned ex-wives, but instead, made personal choices to take on the responsibility of raising a female child to adulthood. For me, I am partway through this journey and the spotlight my daughter placed upon me has highlighted my successes and failures as learning opportunities for me to become a better man. For anyone new coming into my life, I am who I am and have accepted that; they have to, as well. My heart is forever young. And as much as my spirit will soar to new heights, my heart will forever be tethered to my daughter. That bond was made eternal the day she was born. That number one spot is taken and no one will change that.
