The birds and the bees (Part 7): The period
One of my nieces was supposed to come over for a family gathering at my house and she was supposed to come early so she can hang out with my daughter. It turned out that my brother showed up late and after eating, they both left leaving little time for my daughter. Months later, another dinner at my house was supposed to create a new opportunity for the girls to have another play date. Hours before dinner, my brother said her daughter’s not coming. My daughter was disappointed and said, “My cousin doesn’t like me.” I replied, I don’t think that’s true. Why don’t you call her? They chatted for about twenty minutes and afterwards, my daughter felt much better since finding out that her cousin’s absences had nothing to do with her. Turned out, my niece, who is 2 years older than my daughter, had her period on both those dinner nights and just didn’t want to socialize with the world.
My daughter’s understanding of the birds and the bees is still at an academic level supplemented by images from National Geographic and lessons from the garden club. But speaking to one of her older female cousins, it gave my daughter a whole new understanding in what happens to a girl’s body. These are narratives I can never provide for my daughter and I felt this source of information was not only relevant but honest testimony for my now 10 year-old daughter. It also gave her a preview of what’s to come taking some anxieties out of her eventual transformation.
I cleared a shelf for her in the hallway closet holding towels, toilet paper and other sundries. I said, “You can put your products here on the shelf.” To which she whispered, ‘But they are private.’ I immediately responded, “Yes, they are, but that doesn’t mean it’s shameful. There’s no need to hide what you need. This shelf is for you.” And then I walked away.
About two years after this conversation, my ex who was picking up our daughter from school one day, texted me to say our daughter had her period in class. My initial thought was, Really? It’s a bit soon! She told me that she was going to take her to get some tampons and pads. I spoke to my daughter briefly and asked if she wanted to stay at mom’s house that night to talk. My daughter said she’s fine and wanted to come back and stay with me. When she came through the door, I was very careful at my initial reaction as I didn’t want to spook her with a hug or be dismissive as though it was nothing. Certainly it was something and certainly she may feel physical discomfort. So I stayed neutrally supportive and said in my most non-judgmental male voice, “I was expecting this. Why don’t you go upstairs and take a nice warm shower and daddy will make dinner.” There was no debriefing, no commentary and no explanation necessary. I was the same old dependable, talk-to-me-if you-want kind of dad she’d expected. She took her bag of products her mom had bought upstairs and an hour later she came down. We ate and we talked about her day at school with no mention of her period. She didn’t need to talk (or had discussed already with her mom) and I didn’t feel the need to raise it.
I’m not her peer and I’m not her gender. The best thing I can do is to remain constantly supportive and understand that she has needs that are different from mine. After dinner, I cleared a shelf for her in the hallway closet holding towels, toilet paper and other sundries. I said, “You can put your products here on the shelf.” To which she whispered, But they are private. I immediately responded, “Yes, they are, but that doesn’t mean it’s shameful. There’s no need to hide what you need. This shelf is for you.” And then I walked away. Later that night, I went to the closet to get a towel and found she had emptied her bag and neatly placed all the products on her shelf. I smiled.
A few months later, she had a second period. A few weeks after that, a third. She said to me, “Daddy, how come I’m not regular like the moon?” That’s because your body is practicing to get the timing right. And then we had a discussion about menstrual cycles and lunar cycles. I told her that her body is very much in sync with nature but her cycles are not affected by the phases of the moon. The moon greatly influences planetary axis, tides and even seasons. Her cycles are influenced by good health and diet. Even though she knew that the two cycles were not linked, I think part of her believes she’s very much connected to nature. And that is something to be proud of.
