How are the boys in your class this year?
Every now and then, my daughter would ask me to tell her something about my past. I regale her with some funny, innocuous stories how when daddy was her age, I’d spit over a bridge with friends to see if we can hit the passing cars’ windshield below. Or how we’d aim banana peels at the neighbor’s opened window and then biked away bat-out-of-hell so the scary neighbor don’t see us when he comes screaming at us. We were kids, young, stupid and absolute terrors on two legs—or two wheels! We had more goad than brains and for the most part, we survived boyhood with little more than scrapes and bruises. Occasionally, we’d settle differences with fights that get forgotten as quickly as it started. I asked my daughter what the boys were like in her school. “They’re idiots,” she snapped. So nothing’s changed, I thought to myself.
Since I have no son of my own and my daughter had no interest in co-ed playdates since the kindergarten days, I can only take her answer at face value. Are they idiots because they are dumb or are they idiots because they piss you off? “I’m not angry at any of them; they are just stupid on their own.” That’s a mean thing to say. I hope you don’t tell them to their faces. “Oh, I do! One time we discovered a bird’s nest in a tree at school. The boys wanted to knock it down by throwing things at it.” So what happened? “We told the boys that we’d ask the teacher to take us up to the third floor so we can see the nest with the binoculars in the classroom.” That’s pretty smart thinking! “And then the boys wanted to open the window to throw books at the nest to knock it down from the tree!” Yeah, boys are still idiots, I agreed.
I told my daughter that these boys will not stay as Neanderthals and it is not for her to chide. But if she did disparage them, then it would just make her a mean girl. Calling them out might actually hurt their feelings. While the boys may not show that they were emotionally injured by a girl, these are the moments that will sear onto their consciousness.
And that got me to think about teaching my daughter to treat boys better not because they are a different gender, but because they develop differently. Intellectually, emotionally and socially, girls are generally more advanced in their growth than boys at the same age. Even though the boys may be taller and bigger, it doesn’t translate to more maturity. In some cases, it is liken to talking to a child whose brain is not yet developed in the areas of logic and cooperation; but are still stuck in fierce competition who will use brute to affect the world. I told my daughter that these boys will not stay as Neanderthals and it is not for her to chide any more than it is rational to chide a 5 year old for a lack of table manners. Continued disparagement would just make her a mean girl and that would be worst since that is a choice! Let playful, foolish boys be as their pranks are mostly harmless anyway. It’s not like she was asked to participate in idiotic pranks. Not all of them will act that way all the time; it’s only when boys clump in packs do herd mentality take hold. I am certain that individually, occasional bursts of brilliance and creativity will shine through from time to time. My daughter didn’t disagree.
And even if some boys are smart and savvy, they may not behave as she might expect, especially if one of them is smitten with her. Their very attempts at being cool and nonchalant to get her attention will result in them being anxious and awkward. Calling them out might actually hurt their feelings at a time of high vulnerability. While the boys may not show that they were emotionally injured by a girl, these are the moments that will sear onto their consciousness. One of my daughter’s friends reacts to everything and is quite vocal about all her irritations to boys and girls. Her aloof attitude and snobbery reeks of condescension. It’s also no surprise that no boy (and very few girls) likes to be with this overly critical friend either.
My advice to her on boys in her circle who are truly annoying and idiotic is let them be. Clearly, their antics are only fodder for amusement and do little to engage her in conversation much less an elevated experience. There’s no need to call it out as it won’t likely change anything anyway. Laugh, roll the eyes, shake the head and move along. Boys are simple creatures and will eat up even that little bit of attention. Squirrel!
