Don’t let your feelings about your ex and the in-laws transcend the generations

I naively thought that once the divorce was finalized, the conflict will end. After all, if we were each other’s biggest irritant, then by living apart, things should be better. After more than three years of divorce, I have to wonder why there is still friction in our lives. Oh, right, we have shared custody of our daughter! Truly gives meaning to the phase, “‘til death do you part.”

I guess I’m not surprised about this. As our daughter gets older, things should get easier, but it got more confrontational. Simply put, things are getting complicated. Back in the daycare phase, our daughter’s needs were simple and can be fulfilled by either parent. But with extracurricular activities, travel, long term planning, etc., decisions cannot be easily confined to your week on / week off schedule. Invariably, the child’s activities and requirements are going to spill over onto both parents’ calendars and lives. As your child expands her own social circle, participation will matter more and more to her. The time commitment to make it all work for her will ironically require more coordination from dueling parents which could turn embers back into raging fires.

Keep your wits about you, guys. Keep it all business-like. In many ways, you and your ex-wife are coordinating the best support structure for your daughter and both of you are looking for leverage as things are always being negotiated. Extra information could be misconstrued or at worst, be used to irritate and inconvenience you. You’d also do well to avoid these 3 most common guy-speak.

While you may have divorced your wife, to your daughter, that woman is her mother.

Your daughter may be in the midst of your conflict (she’s not the reason for it), and ultimately, she will be the judge of all things. She has a female memory that works like an iron trap. Make sure the memories she stores are the ones she can proudly recall now and forever. While you may have divorced your wife, but to your daughter, that woman is still her mother.

Be gracious to your ex in front of your child and ask her how her mother is when she comes back to your house. Do not speak badly about her maternal family. She will tell the other side and the bad parts will be replayed. Above all, remember that the conflict is yours — not your daughter’s. The fact that you still have much conflict isn’t necessarily a bad sign. Unless you are being vindictive, the reason why you have conflict is because you are fighting for your daughter. Truth be told, if it was someone else’s kid (like a friend’s or neighbor’s), would you care as much? Don’t poison your daughter’s well and don’t let your anger and animosity get passed onto the next generation.

Five decades ago, my mom had some major disagreements with one of my aunts and battle lines were drawn putting my maternal uncle in the middle. It started long before I was born and 50 years later, the strife was still not resolved at my uncle’s funeral. The consequence was that we cousins could have been a lot closer than we are today. Think about this especially if your daughter is an only child.