A child should never doubt herself; others will do that for her
My daughter is not a strong reader. Maybe it was because she started at an alternative school that prioritized nature and creativity above academics. Even now in Grade 5, she’ll read required materials but do so at a fraction of the pace of other students. My daughter is also not a consistent cello player. Her practice is irregular and whilst at her mom’s, she’ll go a full week without picking up the instrument. When her instructor does work with her, she picks up new piece quickly. But when it comes to swimming, my daughter swims likes she has webbed fingers, toes and gills. So six weeks after joining the competitive swim team, she was asked to try out for the Senior Gold level, which is the last academy level before the long road to the Nationals. At the age of 10, her initial reaction was extreme excitement followed by nervousness, apprehension and finally capitulation.
My daughter has enjoyed a fairly privileged existence and I try not to raise her in a bubble of luxury. But somehow, she has it in her head that sometimes, she’s not deserving of things. While I am neither the sole parent nor am I the sole person in her socialization, I do see myself as the primary parent to help her unpack some of her conflicting emotions that feed self-doubt. Ultimately, your feedback will imprint on her as a template in which she receives (and dismisses) feedback from men in her life when she grows up.
Ultimately, your feedback will imprint on her as a template in which she receives (and dismisses) feedback from men in her life when she grows up.
Peers heavily influence your child’s decisions and actions. Over time, they will influence her thought patterns, too. Your child’s constant comparison of herself to other girls (often older) will cause a rift in her self-worth. I often catch my daughter looking at older girls’ wardrobe, hair and language. She’s mentally comparing herself to older teenagers doing things fitting for older kids. This leaves her with an impression that she’s not old enough, tall enough, mature enough, cool enough or worse, good enough. It doesn’t matter what the comparison is, the fact remains that there is a gap someone else has created she feels she needs to bridge.
Fixation on an outcome. Parents lay down all sorts of expectations for their kids all the time and react poorly when the child doesn’t achieve it. “Why didn’t you get that A+?” “Why were you so slow and let others come ahead of you?” “Why didn’t you try harder?” are comments that have a singular purpose of telling a child that their effort wasn’t enough. Who’s putting in the effort anyway, the child or the parent? Our society places too much emphasis on being first. So does that mean countless billions are just fodder for the few?
The imposter syndrome is the belief that the actor feels she achieved something by fluke, accident or consolation. The lack of appropriate encouragement and praise when a child successfully experiments with something new coupled with the harsh criticism for failed attempts will silence the child’s future and tentative efforts. The child will question why try when there’s far more downside.
After the Senior Gold level tryout and while my daughter was in the dressing room, the coach spoke a few words to me. When my daughter came, she was exhausted at the end of an already long day and just wanted to go home. She didn’t even want to know (or was scared to know) whether she made the cut or not. On the drive home, I said that she’s come a long way since the first lesson and she is one of the fastest swimmers with near perfect form. But like all invitational tryouts, you’re already a winner if asked to participate. I was already very proud of her. She smiled and said thanks. I looked at her, allowed her a moment of suspense and threw her a rope so she can climb out of her dark well and said, “What the coach told me was that you are a good swimmer and at such a young age, you have the potential go for very far. The coach would like a chance to work with you, if you want to move up and join the Seniors.”
For the rest of the ride home, she was beaming in silence as I knew she was basking in it. Her capitulation turned into apprehension when she realized that she could be swimming with kids two years older than she. Her apprehension turned into nervousness as she wondered how she was going to squeeze in two more swim practices on top of the two she already had each week. Finally, her emotions exploded into extreme excitement as she realized her own accomplishment. It was good to see her shatter her own doubts.
