My daughter got into a fight
My daughter’s school was out for a couple of days in a row, so I registered her into full day camps and dropped her off. It was at a new location, with new facilitators and a mess of new kids. After the usual protests and tears, I left and went to work thinking that she’ll have a fantastic 8 hours as she usually does.
When I went to pick her up at the end of the day, she ignored me. This is unusual. The camp leader told me that my daughter and (pointing) another kid got into a fight. She kicked him. Nobody’s hurt. Everyone’s fine and it’s quiet time now. No report. You’re free to take her home.
As I went to collect my daughter and before I said anything, she said, “I don’t want to talk about it.” I thought the best thing to do, was to quietly collect her things and leave the place. On the car ride back home, I asked what had happened. Again, she said, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Recognizing her mood, I relented and said, “Let’s talk later.”
When we got home, she played with her toys. I made dinner and as we sat at the dinner table, I asked, “So, what happened?” I stopped her in mid-reply and quickly explained, “You will not get into trouble for telling me what had happened; you will get into trouble for not telling me.”
“You will not get into trouble for telling me what had happened; you will get into trouble for not telling me.”
She paused and sensed a safety net. Then she started. Apparently, a boy showed interest in my daughter and wanted to play with her. She was busy with other girls and ignored him. He didn’t give up and she eventually told him to get away. He did for a while but it didn’t last. Moments later, he tried again and some pushing was involved. My daughter told him to stop and then told the teacher who separated him. Awhile later, during story time on the carpet, the boy tried to get close and put his head on her stomach. She pushed him away, got up and kicked him. He left crying.
I tried to conceal the exhilaration of my daughter sticking up for herself, fought back a boy and sent him running in tears. But the adult in me mustered the comments, “Well, you did nothing wrong.” I reiterated my three-step approach to schoolyard bullies:
- You told the boy to stop (several times);
- You told the teacher and asked for intervention, and;
- When that doesn’t work, and he tried to touch you, you defended yourself and reported it.
I told my daughter that she did everything she was supposed to and I was proud of her. Her eyes beamed and a giant smile lit up her face. This was a new experience for me and for her. When she realized that not only did she not get into trouble for fighting, she actually got praised for doing the right thing, it made her feel she can tell me anything. And this has always been my goal.
The next morning, we returned to the place and I was totally expecting to discuss this with the camp counselor or the other parent. It didn’t happen. It was as though nothing had happened. When I picked up my daughter at the end of the second day, I noticed that all the kids were playing together, including the boy who fancied my daughter.
I love happy endings.
Sounds like what happened to my 4yo Daughter who’s in nursery. She was appointed the “leader” of her group and often feels responsible for making sure her group follows the Teacher’s instructions.
One day she apparently held on to a classmate’s hand, swung her around too forcefully and the classmate hit the wall in front of her and got a bruise on her forehead. My mum was mortified when she picked up my Daughter and learnt about the incident.
At home, I asked my Daughter what had happened and she told me that her Friend was not paying attention when she was walking and she was walking too slowly when the teacher had told them all to speed up. My Daughter tried asking her Friend to walk faster but it didn’t work. So eventually my Daughter swung her Friend around to make her go faster and inadvertently swung her right into the brick wall in front of her.
I explained to my Daughter that her intent was a good one. She merely wanted to follow the instructions of he teacher and made sure her group was not lagging behind. I told her though her intent was good, her actions had consequences and she ended up hurting her Friend. She seemed to understand what I said because when I told her we could try to make her Friend feel better by apologising and offering her a small gift the next day, she was all up for it.
The following day, we happily left for school. When we saw my daughters Friend, she had already forgotten about what happened. They began playing around. My Daughter gave her Friend the gift we prepared and apologized. The kid was over the moon and when I asked her to show me where her bruise was, she pointed to her knee (when the bruise was in fact on her forehead)… happy endings are cool 🙂