When lava meets the sea
My daughter and I read each other’s moods quite well. She knows what instantly bothers me and what I will let slide. To a large extent, she’s mirrored her responses after mine: try to be fair about things and don’t stay angry for too long. But one day, I was put in an annoying situation by my ex and I reacted badly. The resentment of being put in a situation must have spilled over onto my daughter. She felt it too and after some minutes, she screamed out at me, “I don’t know, don’t put me in the middle.” Her volatile reaction led to a torrent of frustration and anger I rarely see. “I didn’t make that decision and if you are angry at my mom, then you shouldn’t be telling me about it. Talk to her,” she screamed as tears welled from her eyes.
The toxicity of my ex-wife’s entire demeanor is corrosive to everything that touches me. Over the years, I’ve needed less and less consensus from her and so I vacillate between ignoring her and taking her to court. But in between, there’s a spittoon that requires emptying from time to time. I’m sure I am no peach either; but her happiness was never my responsibility. However, our daughter is unfortunately caught in the middle. And while she deals with it quite well generally, there is the occasional eruption that is almost always instigated by her mom.
Once upon a time, when my daughter got angry, it was generally one of two triggers: frustration in her own ability to do something or my actions to limit her freedom to do something. It was usually minor and short-lived. She’s been pushing beyond the bubble wrap for years and has learned that sometimes, life pushes back. She is also learning that her emergent third voice in the proxy war between her mom and me not only has increasing authority but eventual finality.
The reality is that the development of a strong psyche will cause friction as the child bumps up against her parents in many areas. Just like a metamorphosing caterpillar, it needs to rip apart its once protective cocoon as part of its natural transformation. And in that process, my daughter is learning that her emergent third voice in the proxy war between her mom and me not only has increasing authority but eventual finality.
Far be it for me to put a lid on my daughter’s anger, it is more useful for me to both recognize and to allow her frustrations to be expressed in a healthy way. I blow off steam by swearing, hitting the gym or even wallowing in brief spurts of pity and self-loathing so I can hardly deny her her own outlets. The real wisdom is that it’s not really about me, anyway. I’m not a helicopter parent, nor do I micromanage her every decision. Her gripes are expressed because I may have triggered it and by happenstance, I become her target until she figures out projection. The fact that my daughter feels safe enough to blow off steam at/with me without adversely impacting the relationship is a testament to the health of our bond. And even if I were the source of her anger, it’s fine. Just because I’m the emperor of the household doesn’t mean I can command unwavering loyalty 24/7. It’s also useful to note that my apology to her doesn’t mean a dismantling of parental authority. In fact, according to Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, when a kid has a parent that never apologizes, they’re more likely to learn that apologies are unimportant and would have even more trouble moving on.
Just like an erupting volcano, its explosive moment is never the final state. The reality is that the development of a strong psyche will cause friction as the child bumps up against her parents in many areas. Just like a metamorphosing caterpillar, it needs to rip apart its once protective cocoon as part of its natural transformation. To arrest this development would be truly unnatural. For my daughter growing up in two homes and having to manage two very different parents, I would worry if the stresses of daily life do not add to her toll. I know her expressions are muted at her mom’s so it’s all the more important I’m cognizant of her conflicted loyalty when she’s with me.
My dialog with my daughter and the source of much of this content stems from the fact I want her to grow up to be a well-adjusted and confident woman who isn’t afraid to express and defend her ideas. Who knows what lands she will conquer, but it sure is spectacular to watch the sparks fly sometimes. Even the ocean will not be able to contain her.
