Privilege is not wealth; therefore it can be taught
When I was young, I didn’t have supervised aftercare programs, chauffeured play dates, expensive music lessons, professional swim coaches or fancy academic tutors. What I got was a latch key around my neck and told to come home before dark. I learn to swim by not drowning and if I needed academic remediation, I got a knuckle to the head for not working hard enough at school!
Fast forward a couple of decades, there isn’t anything her mom or I wouldn’t do to make our daughter’s life easier. It’s perfectly understandable as each generation wants to give the next something better. Our daughter’s never gone to school on an empty stomach; rarely had hand-me-down clothing; had the necessary books and electronic tools at her disposal; and above all, parental attentiveness to ensure her success. When her mom and I divorced, her material possessions even doubled. She had two wardrobes, two bikes, two sets of books, two sets of toys in two separate bedrooms. One might even surmised that either parent compensated for the broken home and gave our daughter even more! And we are modest families. If we were wealthy, we’d use our financial clout to remove obstacles, too!
How do we provide children with every advantage but still keep them humble? How do we prevent privilege from becoming expectations? The most important thing to remember is that privilege is not wealth. It is a state of mind – an experience; it is not a thing and cannot be given.
And therein lies one of the biggest dilemma of parenting: how to provide children with every advantage but still keep them humble? How do we give and do much for our children (sometimes too much) yet expect them to be grounded when the kids haven’t done much (sometimes, nothing) for themselves? In fact, sometimes, it looks like it is the parent who wants it more badly than the child! So how do we prevent privilege from becoming expectations? The most important thing to remember is that privilege is not wealth. Privilege is a state of mind – an experience; it is not a thing and cannot be given. That’s why we say, ‘it was a privilege’ to know someone, not ‘it was a wealth’ to know them.
I once read that we are often too preoccupied with the material value of a possession rather than the experience that that possession brings. If our identity is anchored to an object and its absence can so easily degrade our value and identity, perhaps it is better to voluntarily let go of that object than to have it taken away unwillingly. In other words, the privilege isn’t having possessed the thing; the privilege is having the ability to experience (and re-experience) what that thing gave us. The path is acknowledging, appreciating and thanksgiving for things we have and if it is lost tomorrow, to still be the same person. With that attitude, there isn’t anything that one cannot possess. This concept is extremely difficult to learn, must less live by.
Also, privilege has little to do with empathy or reciprocity. You cannot teach a state of mind by merely talking or performing actions. We live in a society where our convenience is built upon the labor of others who work much harder than us. Recognizing this and appreciating that our interdependence is built alongside others and genuinely helping others to achieve their ideals is the true privilege—and a higher pursuit.