“Daddy, you can see other people.”
Hong Kong was one of the places my wife and I had lived during a time I was transfer there for work. The sights, the sounds, the foods are forever indelible. I miss it and yearn to go back. One of the things I remember doing in that city that I had never done anywhere else was to go see a fortune teller. I’m not one for basing life decision on random speakings of a soothsayer, but that one time I went out of novelty, I remember specifically the teller saying I would marry again. I’m not sure whether my then-wife heard it or whether it was translated incorrectly, but he did tell me that it would happen surely as the sun will set in the west. There were no specifics and all were generalities; it was said with such conviction that I never forgot.
Fast forward a decade and indeed, I was divorced–a status I had never imagined when my fortune was told. And while I have no steady significant other, I am half way to fulfilling the teller’s version of my future! It’s not that I don’t want to remarry or have any aversion to it; it is just that I don’t think it is the end all and be all. Also not too long ago, my daughter told me that I absolutely cannot have a girlfriend even though her mom has a boyfriend. So this is why my daughter’s comment struck me as odd. So I can have a girlfriend? What’s happened? What’s changed? Did she still want me to marry the lesbian mom of her school friend? “Because I don’t want you to be lonely, daddy,” she declared with a genuine interest for my well-being. Still with scrunch eyebrows, she really didn’t answer me so I am left with her statement without further insight.
My daughter recognizes that my happiness doesn’t necessarily mean a deficit of hers. That’s huge.
I think my daughter is sweet to display a level of empathy that recognizes my need to be happy and (after many, many conversations we’ve had) that my happiness doesn’t necessarily mean a deficit of hers. That’s huge and she is putting a lot at risk if I bring someone home. To me, this statement isn’t so much about me as it is about us, father and daughter. She’s secured that I’m not going to abandon her and forget about her and her letting me have a life companion speaks to her security and her place in my life. I find that very comforting.
I know for myself that dating and marriage is a very adult concept and not one I am particularly eager to jump back into because it is something that must be done. Meeting someone new is always exciting. Living together and making it work with other people (and potentially their kids) can be a grind. And if merging houses take place and something were to upset the apple cart, well, I don’t think separation and divorce gets any easier after the first time. It’s a decision I will make for myself, so my daughter preventing me or allowing me to have a significant other really has no impact on my decision making process. But it is very reassuring to know as she gets older, she is allowing for the possibility and a likely eventuality that there’ll be more than just daddy and daughter.
While she is happy to ‘let me go’ to see me be happy, her innocence still clouds her from the reality of her needs ahead. At the end of the day, my daughter is only 10 years-old and as valiant as her statement, she may not realize my non-diminishing role as her father. I have already become the yardstick which she will measure all other men against. And every day, I must deliver against that standard so my preoccupation still rests heavily on her, not on me. But as a majority custody father, my time alone is often eclipsed. That makes me far more selective in how and with whom I spend my time. I see my daughter “giving me permission” to see other people is just another endorsement of her growing up happy, healthy and secured in who she is.
