Your boyfriend needs to be way more chivalrous,” I once told my daughter. Rough housing isn’t something he should do with my daughter; he has buddies he can wrestle with, as I recall the incident where rough housing led to an ambulance being called.

And on the opposite end of the spectrum, I also told my daughter that her boyfriend doesn’t need to assume the responsibility of a provider either—that’s my job. At least until she can take care of herself but my role will never end, just diminished.

So, what’s his role then, my daughter asked. “Well, that’s a great question.” I paused and then asked my daughter, “What is he to you? Why did you guys get together in the first place?” She thought about it for a bit and then commented that they had commonalities and interest. “But you have a lot of swim friends who fit that profile but are not your boyfriends.” True, but he’s nice to me and cares for me. “That’s not reason enough. Anyone close to you should care for you. And being nice is table stake, anyway. What else?” We talk a lot. “So, you have a lot to share.” Yes.

Brawn was what caught her attention. Brains was what kept her attention. But those things change and wane over time.

Then I asked my daughter if she knew what she was to him. I think the same, my daughter replied. “That’s good. He doesn’t see you as a trophy or a plus-one, or even someone to hang out with when he’s bored.” No, I would have found out long ago and that would have been the end. “How much do you guys talk?” A lot. “Do you talk to each other or does one do more of the talking.” About the same.

I smiled at my daughter and felt comforted that she spends time with a boy who shares with her his thoughts and words. This is way more important than the traditional measures of what makes a good boyfriend. Brawn was what caught her attention. Brains was what kept her attention. But those things change and wane over time. As each individual grows, they accumulate more memories, experiences and anecdotes. Sharing is the currency of relationship. Everything else seems…one-dimensional and not likely to last.