The anatomy of discipline
When we think discipline, we often think of the punitive side of correcting someone’s behavior because they either disobeyed or acted contrary to an established code of conduct. But would we punish a child who runs interference as they are just learning the rules of football? Or would we admonish a child who keeps missing the same musical note of a composition? Of course not! For kids, life is a gigantic game on a big open field with many rules written and unwritten. A child has a huge learning curve. And discipline should be used as an action to teach children about society’s established norms, not a reaction used to punish when those norms are not adhered to.
When it comes to discipline, parents really have to lead by example – we are their first life coach. We need to help our children develop preemptive strategies to ensure that behavior doesn’t become errant in the first place and if it does, what reactive strategies might be deployed to ensure consequent conformity. Theory is one thing, but in practice, we parents often react and focus too much on behavior that is different from what we have prescribed and then emotionally reprimand (for the good of the child) hoping that the punishment itself would be a deterrent. Often, this is simply ineffective and fear ultimately becomes the deterrent.
To correct a child, the context has to be clear so that the child knew or could have deduced what behavior would be appropriate. If a child perpetrates the action while knowingly aware it was contrary, then in order for discipline to work, it has to be immediate and proportional. Anyone who has spent time in the service clearly understands the hierarchy of law and order because it focuses on informed actions and reactions, not the actors and their histories. And once the punishment has been applied for a determined duration, there can be no residual recrimination. This allows the child to move forward in dignity with a clean slate free from lingering blame and shame.
Discipline should be used as an action to teach children about norms, not a reaction used to punish when those norms are not adhered to. But in practice, we parents often react and focus on behavior that is different from what we have prescribed and then reprimand hoping that the punishment itself would be a deterrent. However, if punishment is applied, there can be no residual recrimination afterwards. This allows the child to move forward in dignity with a clean slate free from lingering blame and shame.
On one particular play date, I was asked to assist in moving something from the garage before leaving my daughter there. I instructed the kids not to go down the sidewalk leading to the main road. One minute later, our hearts skipped when we found them walking along the very same busy main road we told them to avoid. The play date ended right there and then. She protested and cried to no avail. Even though the lapse was not grave, the consequence would be catastrophic if there ever was an accident. And that was why I took such a hard approach. The walk home was quiet. So was the following hour after we got home. The termination of the play date was punishment enough. I didn’t tell her to go to her room or dictated any other limitations; it was unnecessary be to additionally punitive or lecture her of the same. She knew. An hour or so past, she came over to ask if we could do something else. We did and have never spoken of the incident again.
As the parent and first life coach to a child, your goal isn’t to monitor the daily activities of your child ensuring compliance. You ultimate goal is to teach them self-control so that they can monitor their own behavior for themselves. This means teaching them awareness and giving them choices so they can make decisions for taking responsible actions in an informed and honest way.
Children love routines and seek fervently for your attention and approval. If you cherish these fragile aspirations, your opportunity to make a good impression is present and that is already half the battle. Be unsurprising, clear and consistent with your expectations. Solicit and welcome input from them when and where appropriate so they know you are consultative and reasonable. If they feel they have some skin in the game, they won’t think or treat you like a dictator and overthrow you later. But when things start to go sideways, be the parent to take firm action and be committed so they know you mean business. They actually do appreciate you taking charge, sometimes. And above all, forgive and forget.