Parenting isn’t about the parent (Case study 7): Calling mom’s new boyfriend ‘dad’

I was mingling with my dad group and one of them said that his ex-wife wanted their daughter to call mom’s boyfriend, ‘dad’. The request went over like a lead balloon. The daughter felt really uncomfortable at the mom’s request. This should have been enough, but the mom insisted. The boyfriend was indifferent but didn’t opposed the mom probably because he didn’t want to get on her bad side. The real and natural father was beside himself, no surprise!

I’ve never been in a situation like that and couldn’t advise meaningfully. I also thought it to be an awfully petty situation that the ex-wife had concocted. Quite frankly, I feel nothing but pity for this woman who continues to be threatened by her daughter’s father. Testament to this fear is that the daughter would choose her ex-husband over her so she needs to denounce and strip him of the undeniable role of father only to pass it to someone who might just be the flavor of the day. Sad really.

For older children, it might be easier and the handling of this situation is really up to the child, herself. It was always her choice and her decision. Barring any medical situations and legal decisions, a child generally has two parents—a man and a woman. And barring any variations in family makeup, a child generally has a dad and a mom. All other combinations exist and are valid, but when a child is coerced to accept a parent’s new significant other as the other parent, this no longer has anything to do with parenting.

 

When a child is coerced to accept a parent’s new significant other as the other parent, this no longer has anything to do with parenting.

 

My own daughter was introduced to her mom’s now live-in boyfriend awhile back. Initially, it was fun and there was an extra person in the house to hang out with. Occasionally, the boyfriend’s son would stay over and a modern Brady Bunch was formed. But as my daughter got older, developed a bit of affinity with the step-sibling, she began to draw more distance from her mother. Part of this is the natural independence she craves from being separate from a parent. Part of this friction is caused by her mom’s helicoptering. In contrast, the fact that my daughter and I have a closer relationship is that I ironically push her away! I often do more than encourage her to try and do new things (sometimes without me) which causes us to gravitate back together after she’s done. Separation always builds closeness. And while my ex’s boyfriend would occasionally over-accommodate and ingratiate himself to my daughter, neither of them once asked for him to be referred to anything other than his first name.

My only advice to this hapless dad in our group was to be the best damn father he can be. Over time, his daughter will have no need to refer to another man as dad because she never needed to find a replacement for the one she already has. This realization does take time and will materialize as the daughter grows older. But at this dad’s household, if these requests continue as they are, eventually it’s not the daughter that has second thoughts about calling the boyfriend, ‘dad’. She may feel uneasy at calling her mother, ‘mom’.