I’m not your friend. I’m your dad!

Parenting can be physically exhausting. At least you get a rest when your daughter is over at her mom’s. But mentally, as a father, you will never get a rest as there is no pause to when you will stop being concerned or worried about your daughter. You will feel this way until the end of your days.

One day, my daughter and I got into a spat over something big and she said something to me that prompted this immediate response without thinking, “I’m not your friend. I’m your dad!” It’s one of the few times I ended a conversation without further discussion.

Our smart little girls are taught how to verbally spar to gain experience in navigating the labyrinth of social mazes. As much as my daughter uses me to practice negotiating and refining her verbal fencing, there are arguments she will never win with me. Regardless of how logical and well-constructed her opinions are, I will never give in. And I made it firm to my daughter right at that moment her friendship with me is not something I seek. In fact, I’d go as far as saying that if she’s not upset with me at least once a week, I would not be doing my job as her father.

Her friendship with me is not something I seek. In fact, I’d go as far as saying that if she’s not upset with me at least once a week, I would not be doing my job as her father. I raise my daughter differently than if I were raising a son. That is because the world will treat her differently as a woman than if she were a man.

Boundaries are there to protect her so she grows up knowing how to distinguish between what is safe and what is dangerous. Context will change, but boundaries never fully disappear. As parents, this is our job whether we are physically with them or not. I tell my daughter that she is as capable as anyone, boy or girl. But I go a little further and raise my daughter differently than if I were raising a son. That is because the world will treat her differently as a woman than if she were a man. Where I boy may leap into a situation and take things for granted, a girl must observe before she steps into a society to discover that she may not be treated as an equal in some places. As her dad, I try as best as I can to help her identify these biases. Whether boy or girl, I am their dad. Consider this

• I don’t let her hang out with whomever she wants. The bad people in the world looks exactly like the good people in the world. We can’t even figure who is whom sometimes; don’t expect children to do it with their full innocence.
• I let her venture out – but stay behind as her safety net. You and I know far more than they do, including all the pitfalls and dangers around the corner. Learning from mistakes is a great process, but some mistakes can be unrecoverable. Don’t let them make those.
• I follow through with my threats. Consequence of a mistake has to be proportional to the deed. If every conflict ends with a demand for them to go to their room or being grounded, then all you’ve done is dismissed them and all they have learned is liken serious breaches of boundaries (e.g. playing hide and seek in a public place) with simple misdeeds (e.g. being impolite). When they learn the effect of the word ‘no’ and understand that you’ll follow through with the consequences, she’ll know the power of this word and will learn to adapt it for her own use later in life. When your no’s have no consequences, how do you expect her to enforce it when she uses it when she grows up?

My daughter has many friends and will make many more. A select few will continue alongside her journey of life and fewer still, will remain as the decades wear on. But she has only one father. Although she may not have told you, quietly she seeks your approval and acceptance as a priority over all others. Why would you want to give this up to be one of her many?