Tell her something about your past

In the twenty-first century, the number of glamorous smoke ads has dropped significantly. We rarely see smoking in mainstream media and smoking is simply not allowed in many outdoor spaces anymore.  Even the Marlboro Man has been dead for decades. So it is not particularly surprising for my daughter to formulate her own opinion that smoking is not a common thing. Then one day, she asked me out of the blue.

“Daddy, did you used to smoke?”

It really caught me off guard. How can I admit that I once was consumed by this habit? Can’t tell her that I used to do the very thing I discourage now. I’m going end the conversation with one word and her image of me is safe. So I decided to lie.

“Yes, I used to smoke but that was a long time ago.”
What the-? That was not what I was thinking and it came out all wrong!

I’ve always been a believer that if my daughter can ask a legitimate question, she deserves an honest (and age appropriate) answer.

I’m not sure why she asked me and who or what put her up to it, but I’ve always been a believer that if my daughter can ask a legitimate question, she deserves an honest (and age appropriate) answer. I explained that as a young man, I wanted to be cool and I wanted to fit in with friends. I also told her that eventually I realize I didn’t need cigarettes to have friends and it took me years to quit. When I finally did, my health was better and I still got to keep my friends!

Rather than expressing winces of disgust and piling on other questions, she just gave me a hug and said that she was glad I didn’t smoke anymore. I really don’t know what happened, but I think being honest with her and telling her something about me before she was born brought us closer together. She is also beginning to realize that I was somebody else before I was a daddy and I think this intrigued her.

Without knowing your specifics, I’d say whatever your vice is/was and whatever you did before, come clean. If you smoke, don’t hide it. Tell her you’re struggling to quit. Maybe she can help you. If you are recovering from drinking, good work. Quitting is tough work! Were you a womanizer? My daughter asked me where all my ex-girlfriends were. I replied that they all went their separate ways just like daddy and probably have little boys and girls of their own. Maybe the law has not been on your side in the past? Doing something you’re not ready to talk about? Are you going to an alternative place and time to do daddy stuff? Eventually, she’ll find out so you have to be prepared to talk about it. Your daughter doesn’t care what happened yesterday. She only cares that you are around today and be there for her tomorrow.

As much as we expect the best from our daughters, our daughters expect the best from us, too. I think for my daughter, the fact that she knows I used to be a smoking bad-boy, lets her know that I wasn’t perfect. So she doesn’t need to be perfect, either. And what a role model you are for your daughter to see that you, too, are a great work in progress.