When to show affection and when to keep it in check

I never got the sit down discussion from my parents about the birds and the bees. In fact, I learned about sex through my grade school chums in the school yard. I was absolutely mortified to find out that my parents actually had intercourse to produce me. I even blurted out, “My parents would never do that!” For the longest time, I denied this happened and then eventually surrendered to the fact that if my father didn’t toss and turn in bed, I never would have been born! To this date, I still can’t imagine my parents ‘doing it’. Maybe that’s why for the longest time, I was not a fan of public displays of affection.

Now as an adult, I’ve gotten over most of my hang-ups. And as a father, I believe that displays of affection are actually positive for children. My daughter has very few memories of her mom and dad being affectionate with each other but that doesn’t mean she will grow up being emotionally vacant and compassionately distant. In fact, she’s quite warm and social. She’s seen me embrace friends and family, males and female. Showing genuine affection toward others in front of my daughter teaches her to be expressive and comfortable in caring for another human being. It can be any form of physical contact: a hardy handshake; a warm embrace; kisses on both cheeks; and even robust bear hugs are all acceptable forms of salutations. Affection demonstrates compassion and compassion heals conflicts. It doesn’t matter what history you’ve had with people, it only matters how it shapes you as a person from the present onwards. I believe this attitude will help her build healthy relationships.

Fear the day that your daughter doesn’t break away as such is a child who isn’t willing, ready or able to be on her own. Only a child who is confident will push boundaries and a child who is secure in her relationship with you will push you away.

Having said that, there are times when expressions of affection should be kept in check. I discovered this when I once dropped my daughter off at school and asked her for a hug and kiss before leaving. She hastily threw her arms around my neck, tilted the top of her head toward my lips and made a smack sound and said, “Ok, bye!” before running off to waiting friends wanting to be cool.

I get it. At the age of eight, my daughter has glimpsed very early adolescence and she’s increasingly shunning early childhood habits as she careens toward burgeoning maturity and individuality. What was once an innocent and confidence-building hug acknowledging her big steps as she leaves you for a full day of classes can now become an awkward reminder of you treating her like a child! Their un-reciprocated and sometimes, standoffish attitude has nothing to do with you; it has everything to do with your child transitioning from late childhood to early adolescence.

Fear not. Distance and time actually build closeness, as ironic as that sounds. Separation will lead to closer and more meaningful re-connections. Fear the day that your daughter doesn’t break away as such is a child who isn’t willing, ready or able to be on her own. Only a child who is confident will push boundaries and a child who is secure in her relationship with you will push you away — in an ever evolving and maturing manner. That’s actually a good thing. Your daughter is growing up; your love for each other is simply being expressed differently. Witness it. Lament it. Embrace it. Enjoy it. But don’t deny it.