Empathy: a refresher course for me

My daughter plays the cello. She’s in year two and has memorized half the compositions from the first book. Even though she plays without being taught to read sheet music yet, her performance has the right pitch and rhythm. So on the day of her concert, families on both sides sit attentively to listen to her play with the rest of her orchestra.

At the end of the 90-minute concert, I thought I might take both families out for dinner. The other side bowed out citing traffic in returning home. My ex-wife also declined but suggested I take our daughter so the family can spend time with her asking only that I bring her back afterwards as it was her custody night. Caught up in the excitement, my daughter initially wanted to go for dinner, but when she realized that her mom wasn’t going, she paused, deliberated and then declined so she can stay with mom.  Notwithstanding both of us confirmed that after dinner, daddy would bring her back to mommy’s, she was certain about staying with mom instead.

I am less and less raising a child and more and more raising a young person. She is coming into her own and I’m proud to see that.

My gut reaction was one of bewilderment as we’re going out for dinner to celebrate her achievement. Even though mom was invited for dinner but declined, it was a very, very grownup gesture for a 7 year-old girl to make this choice in not leaving her mom alone at home. Empathy is probably one of the most difficult concepts to teach much less cultivate. I also think this emotion is a gateway to emotional and social growth and I’m particularly proud of my daughter for taking the stand. In this case, I think she showed more empathy than I could have mustered! Heck, I wondered where our daughter got this gem of an emotion, because her mom and I have fought tooth and nail so the feelings of compassion couldn’t have come from us!  But all kidding aside, our daughter’s decision showed great maturity. For the rest of that evening, dinner with my family focused briefly on my daugther’s decision and we wound up talking about other things. But her gesture didn’t escape me and I was completely inspired — even to the point of writing about this.

I take away three lessons from this encounter. First, sometimes, I need to put myself in her shoes and understand the reasons behind her decision. Second, for something that is truly non-contentious, I need to accept her decision without debate and not try to dissuade her. Third, I am less and less raising a child and more and more raising a young person. She is coming into her own and I’m proud to see that.