She will fight with her mother, choose sides wisely
I have heard from more friends than not, that my daughter will always be daddy’s girl. Her fiercest battles won’t be with me, but saved for her mother. I’ve also read article after article confirming that battles between daughters and their mothers rival and even surpass that of fathers and rebellious sons. Since I have no son, I will not ever be able to confirm this. Although I will not know how their relationship will unfold, I have already seen glimpses where my daughter and her mom have been at odds more often than my daughter has been with me. I won’t truly know the nature of their conflict but the friction is building. So far, their feuds have lasted no more than a day (that I know).
In trying to understand why mothers and daughters fight, I wonder whether it has more to do with gender. Girls tend to maintain closer contact with parents (than boys) thereby subjecting the relationship to more interaction and potentially increasing conflict which over time, may or may not be resolved. Moms on the whole tend to make more demands for closeness which (potentially) could be interpreted as interference, versus dads, who take on a less intrusive approach (generally).
If you provide your daughter with ammunition for war, and it turns out underpowered, you’ll be blamed for setting her up. If your ammunition is too overwhelming and it goes nuclear on your ex-wife, your daughter will also blame you for the devastation of her mother.
Regardless of what the issues are and how they disagree, resist the urge to cheer for your daughter on the sidelines. You pushing your daughter into war with her mom (especially a proxy war) will exacerbate the situation that will backfire on you. At the end of the day, it’s not your battle. If you provide your daughter with ammunition for war, and it turns out underpowered, you’ll be blamed for setting her up. If your ammunition is too overwhelming and it goes nuclear on your ex-wife, your daughter will also blame you for the devastation of her mother. Your job as a father is to remain neutral and available to your daughter in whatever emotional shape she shows up on your doorstep. Don’t be an arms dealer and don’t take sides. She doesn’t need you to fight her wars, she’s plenty capable of giving her mother enough grief. Have compassion and help to heal the wounded. Essentially, just be available.
Having said that, it doesn’t mean you allow your ex to launch wave after wave of assault on your daughter without some sort of humanitarian effort. Conflict should be just and not total. Your daughter is young and doesn’t comprehend the complexity of conflict. She may not understand the intricacies of bilateral versus multilateral disagreements. Her personality is still in flux and it’s difficult for her to distinguish between what are core values, beliefs and preferences.
The best thing you can do is to help her understand the reasons for her emotions and why she needs to express them in the way she does. Teach her to pick her battles and response levels. If she’s in a fight with her mom, she’s already conflicted in warring with one of the two central figures in her life. She doesn’t need an ally to pummel the other side. Conversely, she also doesn’t need you to pull support away, at a time she requires it the most.