What happened when I stopped dating
Readers will realize that lately, I’ve been writing a few articles that have more to do with dads than with daughters. It’s true. This is partly because my 8, almost 9 year-old daughter is increasingly becoming more independent and partly because summer holidays require me to provide less structure and direct supervision during these laid back days. This leaves more opportunity for me and dads like you for some necessary self-care and self-reflection which is often ignored in men.
When I became a single man again, I did the usual and predictable thing most divorcing men would: I socialized. It was fun…for a while. Then like repeating sitcoms, it got predictable; stories were retold; laughter was canned and it ended either in an abrupt excuse that something’s come up or worse, it dragged on and you really wished you were back on your own couch watching reruns of actual sitcoms. Although it doesn’t always end that way, it truly isn’t a sustainable way of life. I decided to stop dating and take a break—for a while, anyway—and focus on myself. Here’s what I discovered—in no particular order.
Stopping to smell the roses has never been more apt. I discovered that when I stopped trying to do things for people, or making them happy and stopped trying to get everything done, I became a person who cares deeply about fewer things and less about many things.
- It’s not just about sex. While that’s nice, but if that’s the goal, then there are easier and non-committal ways to get it. Dating wasn’t great before I got married and more than a decade later, it is worst. Besides, there are guys out there who have seriously ruined the dating scene and caused women to be suspicious and distrusting. Took me a while, but I realize that it’s more meaningful to look to relationships as a way to share something, rather than a way to get something. Not everything has to end in sex and those that don’t can actually be more fulfilling.
- Quality versus quantity. As I get older, I find that quality of relationship means far more than quantity. I do not need nor can I remember the names of 500 closest friends. Like my closet, I don’t need it filled with clothes I don’t wear; I just want to keep the ones I like. I far prefer my leather jacket than a rack full of suits!
- Rediscover yourself. I have much more time to myself. I’m on a new workout routine at the gym so I can lose my dad-bod. I’m chilling at the juice bar with a newly downloaded mobile game. I’m reading a lot more. I just have more opportunity to do what I choose without constantly worrying about being late getting to some place.
- Discover new hobbies. Ever since I was a child, I’ve been fascinated with swordplay. As kids, my older brother and I would spar with our plastic blades until someone got hurt (usually me). But I was undeterred. I took up fencing in college and loved it. Even Hollywood features extensive swordplay in their storytelling. Check out Sulu in Star Trek 2009, various movies in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and even Netflix’s Takeshi Kovacs in Altered Carbon all have memorable scenes. And there’s a local club near me that teaches this ancient form of martial arts!
- Lifeline for your buddies. My married buddies are always envious of the time I have on my hands for being a custody sharing dad. It’s always a joy to see some of my oldest and dearest friends when they can pull themselves away from family duties. This includes some who are divorced or going through divorce. We commiserate and find happiness in our common suffering. It’s like finding Buddha but without the dad-bod. I’ve even on a few occasions referred them to my own family law lawyer.
- You see more when you are not moving. Stopping to smell the roses has never been more apt. I discovered that when I stopped trying to do things for people, or making them happy and stopped trying to get everything done, I became a person who cares deeply about fewer things and less about many things.
- I get a solid 8 hours of sleep!
There are many more reasons, but I’m going to end with the old expression, “you catch more flies with honey.” But since I want this article to be a bit more uplifting and apropos, let’s say, “you catch more bees with pollen.” Like a good wine, uncork and let yourself sit, breath and be. Wait and let your potential unfold. What you will attract will surprise you!