Getting her ears pierced was a rite of passage for my then 6 year-old daughter. I took her to an actual tattoo and piercing place rather than a jewelry store for safety and other reasons. She’d worn her initial short hoops for a long time until she wanted to change them. As she got more immersed into swimming, she switched from hoop to stud earrings. She was never one to wear huggies, drops or dangles. They weren’t appropriate for her active lifestyle anyway. She even tried screw backs and eventually stopped wearing them all together as she was in the water with a bathing cap so often. So, this was why I was so surprised when she asked if she could get another piercing.

“You’re not even wearing a pair now and the holes have closed. Now you want another?” Yeah. “I don’t think so. And where is this coming from?” I saw it done and it was pretty. “Do you want a platform?” What’s that? “How about a nose ring? Pierced tongue?” I stopped without going to other body parts. No! Dad. I just want one more hole so I can wear four studs. Sigh. “No!” Why?

When I was a teenager, I wanted to get one ear pierced. I was influenced by media fad and thought it was cool. My mom was dead against it for her own reasons. For me it was a fashion statement. I could have gone behind her back, but there was no urgency for me to do it and I didn’t need to rebel with an immediate statement. I also saw the one-ear piercing on other guys and while some wore it well, others didn’t. Eventually, I had forgotten about it and the fad fell out of favor anyway. Years, later, I read about the historical and sexual orientation associations which weren’t even my reasons for having one ear pierced. I just thought it looked cool. But what I felt was cool changed.

 

She’s only 12 years-old for goodness sakes! There are plenty more decisions to come. And the decision can be deferred. Besides, any urgency is purely artificial.

 

“Because what you think is cool will change.” I didn’t want my daughter to make semi-permanent decisions that have a high probably of changing as she gets older. She’s only 12 years-old for goodness sakes! There are plenty more decisions to come. This isn’t the hill to die on. The decision can be deferred. And besides, any urgency is purely artificial.

I believe I am getting a glimpse of what’s to come. And I believe this is yet another way my daughter is testing the boundaries of her waning childhood. I am also keenly aware how much slack I leave in the reign will determine whether I will ultimately have any semblance of control (or at least influence) during her teen years. But having been a parent for a full 12 years now, I have also learned a few tricks, too. I am not going to wrestle control from her because ultimately everything will be her choice. If I prevent her from making decisions, she’ll either do it to spite me or do it behind your back. I choose not to take the choice away from her and counter-intuitively let her know that she has more choices than the one in front of us. Only time will unfurl her options. I generally don’t like power struggles. They are zero-sum games and it always ends the same way: someone must lose. The bigger the power struggle, the more ego is involved and more staunchly a position will be defended. Success might be only temporary and the cost is always too high.

Then I said, “When it is the right time, I’ll take you back to that same tattoo and piercing shop.” She was good with that. Disaster averted!