When a child doesn’t want to go to the other parent’s house

Friend of mine is in a situation where his daughter doesn’t want to see him. It’s always disheartening to hear this and worse for a father with little custodial rights and enforceability. From what I heard, my friend suspects that the mother has been poisoning the well and speaking badly of him to his daughter. Situation like these don’t end well. It deprives the child her father and access rights is interfered. If the poison well is indeed a fact, then the mother who is placing reprisal above parenting can’t be in a happy place either. Unless the situation puts children in harm’s way, even supervised visitation should be granted and at regular intervals.

I find myself in a milder version of this situation. I learn that my daughter hears of half stories from her mother and the narration is told out of context. Agreed upon schedules are changed last minute and recurring missed phone calls from my daughter at regularly scheduled times may or may not happen. Kids as young as 8 years-old see through these tricks. Eventually, they’ll call them out as they really aren’t interested in playing parental mind games. But I have a fairly good relationship with my daughter and increasingly, she wants to stay with me a little longer and more often. It could be that we are on an outing, coming back from a road trip or even in the middle of a puzzle or Lego construction project. She likes hanging out with her old man and when she leaves, I miss her dearly. I’m sure she feels the same. She tries to call me every night while she is at her mom’s and while we don’t speak for long, we tell each other one thing about our day and then I bid her a good night. It’s our ritual – when it happens. Ultimately, the kids will make up their own minds about each of the parents but until they are old enough to make any serious decisions, it’s best to take a business-like approach with your ex-spouse, especially when things are not going well.  For me, I had two problems: undo the damage of the poison well and enforce my right as a custody sharing father. For dads with less than 50% of custody, it is even more vital. The legal approach will take time (perhaps years) and cost (lots of) money. But while you’re playing the long game, there are simple things you can readily do so your daughter sees the true side of you when you are with her.

If you can’t resolve things with each other, then do what you would do at work: escalate the issue to a higher authority. This means going to court. You don’t get what you want; you get what you negotiate for the benefit of the child. Be firm with your ex and flexible with your child, not the other way around.

1. Don’t talk about life in the other house. While you may be curious as to what is done and said at your ex’s, your child just came from there. She may not want to relive it with you and she may just want a release. Use your best dating EQ to listen and validate your daughter’s feelings. Just coming out of mom’s environment, she may need some time to detox. You interrogating her will make her feel like a spy. Focus on the present and let her share if she wants to.
2. Never say a bad thing about the other parent. You hear of guys going on dates with ladies only to drone on and on about how awful their past girlfriend or ex-wife was. These guys don’t usually get a second date. So spare your daughter your drama. In fact, try your best to do the opposite. When your daughter’s with you, remind her to call her mom at a regular time. She’ll miss her mother, so let her talk to her mom. This is not a sign that you’ve failed and mom is coming to the rescue. You are telling your daughter that when she’s with you, she is still connected to her other life and she always has the option to check in with her mom anytime. I bet you this doesn’t happen over there. Your daughter will figure it out very quickly what’s going on.
3. Take on the perspective that you are seeing her; rather than the other way around where she’s visiting you. As kids get older and older, it’s not about dad taking a child to the park for ice cream anymore. It’s more about you being a part of her life and experiencing her activities. So attend those birthday parties when they fall on your time. Take her to get her nails done (get a pedicure for yourself, too). If she wants to have a drop-off play-date with a girlfriend on your time, prioritize those activities rather than insist on visiting grandma. From her perspective, your child wants you in her life: when you are absent, she ponders why you are not in hers; she doesn’t see that she is not in yours.

For legal reasons, it’s best to stick to the plan that was agreed and likely sanctioned by the courts, regardless of your custody situation or your co-parenting relationship with the ex. If you don’t have a plan or an agreement, iron one out. You don’t want to leave something as important as visitation and guardianship to chance and whim. In fact, a separation agreement is far more important than a marriage certificate or even a pre-nuptial agreement. The latter deals with your matters which really don’t matter anymore. The former dictates how both of you will conduct your affairs with respect to the child for years to come. Don’t expect appeasement to your ex will translate into dividends and goodwill. If you can’t resolve things with each other, then do what you would do at work: escalate the issue to a higher authority. This means going to court. Most people will settle out of court. If the conflict is irreconcilable, then the crucible of the courts will extinguish all that is subjective; judges have no patience for pettiness. Be informed and be prepared to ask the judge for what is fair from the child’s perspective. You don’t get what you want; you get what you negotiate for the benefit of the child. Your court dates may drag on for months or years. But a decade from now, you won’t even remember the conflict and you’ll be glad for it. Make the arrangement contractual so it leaves little room for trading advantages and keeping score. Your child is not property. Be firm with your ex and flexible with your children, not the other way around.