Divorced and happy or married and miserable?

Our daughter was only 3 years-old when her mom and I separated and life has been a two household reality for as long as she can remember. It’s tough on her because she told me so and at times, it shows. Sometimes, she’s unsettled; sometimes, she cries; sometimes, she just wants to be alone. She lives in those emotions for brief moments and very quickly resurfaces and becomes fully immersed in the present with me. Personality-wise, she’s well adjusted, socially connected, and generally happy so I don’t probe deeply for feedback on how things are at her mom’s. I’m sure it’s the same at the other house, but I also know it’s different there.

I have friends who have gone through or are going through divorce right now. One left the matrimonial house behind to live on a boat wondering when he’ll get his feet back on the literal ground again. In other cases, the children involved are much older (teenagers) and the change has been extremely difficult for them. From what I am told, those kids are angry and defiant. Research confirms that older kids have more difficulty dealing with the upheaval. Divorce is complicated, messy and personal. Even though my daughter is younger and adapted better, she still laments a time when the three of us were together recalling fragmented memories. The occasional passing of a particular place, a restaurant or a photograph would be nostalgic enough to strike a chord of melancholy in my daughter’s heart.

I told my daughter that it was far better to live separately and be happy than to live together and be unhappy. Asking a person to change for you isn’t faithful to the reasons you were attracted to this person in the first place. The ultimate question isn’t whether to be together or not, but to be happy. The lesson for my daughter and a reminder to me is that happiness, not marital status, is the true badge to wear. With it, I can be myself and go to reach higher experiences. Without it, I can’t be anything.

One day, when I was comforting her during one of her tender moments, she asked why we couldn’t just live together again. She tells me it would make her very happy as the two people she loves very much are together. She’s particularly sensitive to this during the holidays. I sympathized with her but I also said that if mommy and daddy lived together, her happiness would be short-lived. She inquired why. I said it was far better to live separately and be happy than to live together and be unhappy. I explained it in terms she could understand using conflicts she has with friends at school. She knows that sometimes, she and her friends simply can’t get along and it’s better to be separated—even for one class. They do come back together as their quarrels aren’t irrecoverable. But I asked her to imagine if there were no opportunities to disconnect; negative emotions continue to build. She agreed that it would be awful! I further asked her to imagine that their desks are to be moved next to each other where they will sit for the rest of the year and coordinate all their work efforts side by side. Her sneer became even more exaggerated. Then I finally asked her to imagine their class evaluation would be the same regardless of effort. Her jaw dropped. The situation between mommy and daddy is kind of like that. Not only will I be a very grumpy person, I don’t think I could be a very good dad if I was living in conflict every day. Although the three of us would be together, we’d all be miserable. How can I hope be a happy parent when I am a miserable spouse? Sometimes, when a marriage goes awry, ending is not just a logical choice, but a healthy one. No doubt, walking away is tough and it’s a deliberate decision long arrived when the dynamics of two people aren’t working and no one can move forward in a healthy way. I’m not one to argue for or against the sanctity of marriage. Staying or leaving are personal choices and should be made from that perspective.

Marriage has been an historical institution of economic exchange. Even though in today’s Western societies, women have gain much and come increasingly closer toward equality, the approach to marriage hasn’t much changed. People enter into relationships to ‘get’ something and when what they ‘got’ isn’t what they thought, that’s when they feel unfulfilled and misled. At best, they compromise and coexist. At worst, both persons have given up their highest hopes to settle for the lowest expectations. This is not fuel for the soul. Asking a person to change at this point is not a realistic and sustainable option. Asking a person to change for you isn’t faithful to the reasons you were attracted to them in the first place.

My daughter laments a time she barely remembers. Staying together for fleeting moments of togetherness is a betrayal to myself and a detriment to her upbringing. The ultimate question isn’t whether to be together or not (which doesn’t mean being alone), but to be happy. The lesson for my daughter and a reminder to me is that happiness, not marital status, is the true badge to wear. With it, I can be myself and go to reach higher experiences with like minds. Without it, I can’t be anything.

Impropriety notwithstanding, the day my divorce was final, I gathered together a few friends to mark the occasion. Some of those friends were at my very wedding years earlier. And the friend who lived on a boat for a while? He later told me that the happiest day of his life was buying that boat; the second happiest was selling it. He’s back on dry land, too. We clanked our glasses in muted agreement.