If you have to ground your child, the lesson’s been lost – on both of you

Kids get into all sorts of trouble all the time. Most of it is harmless. Some of it is just plain naughtiness. And seldom is it pure wickedness. The ‘trouble’ they get into is usually a manifestation of the friction between their increasingly emergent personality asserting itself and their understanding of the rules and norms they are taught to live within. Barring any learning disabilities, trauma or other out-of-the-ordinary struggles a child may have experienced either overtly or in silence, a child’s behavior can generally be predicted, directed and encouraged to progress in a more or less resistive manner.

If we look at behavior from this perspective, the analogy that best captures a parent’s effort to keep the child on the familiar path and the child’s desire to go wayward might be that of a racecar circuit. A child’s natural curiosity and growing confidence simply drives them to explore new roads; the twists and turns of their paths and decision revealing new opportunities are equally exhilarating. This positive feedback only reinforces their excitement of growing up. Trying to stop this is a futile task; healthy kids cannot and should not be contained. So a parent’s only hope to influence their child is to teach her to steer and throttle accordingly. With the feel of the wind in their hair, your child is no longer satisfied with the confinement of bumper cars. And so, you must coach them on when to zig and when to zag. Teach her to anticipate change and to learn to read the signs which usually tell of changes ahead as life is rarely a straight-away. The road will not change for her; she has to adapt or crash.

Overprotective parents with the best of intentions for their child may actually be hastening the disobedience of them. A child who goes off clandestinely without support or coaching will be uninformed and will make wrong decisions. The result is a frustrated child who didn’t feel supported and an angry parent who felt their authority undermined. Out of exasperation, the parent’s use of unilateral authority to wrestle back the upper hand results in summarily grounding the child. The child has learned nothing.

Overprotective parents with the best of intentions for their child may actually be hastening the disobedience of them. When a parent fails to foster an environment of exploration and encourage their child to take on manageable risks, the child will be hit with a number of setbacks. First, the parent would likely not have spoken, much less prepared, their child for new situations. Lack of preparation will not deter the child who goes off clandestinely without support or coaching. She’ll be uninformed and will make wrong decisions. The result is a frustrated child who didn’t feel supported and an angry parent who felt their authority undermined. Out of exasperation and exhaustion, the parent’s use of unilateral authority to wrestle back the upper hand results in summarily grounding or depriving the child as punishment. The child has learned nothing. With repeated instances, the child will become resentful in that they have not had the benefit of parental encouragement and trust. They will also realize that personal differences are settlement with the absence of discussions and options, followed by an unjust ruling by a disintegrating dictator. In time, they will withdrawal and shut you out. Besides, how is sending your child to her room, which contains all her familiar creature comforts, a punishment anyway?

To really break this cycle, the parent must look at the reasons that spawned the disagreeable behavior, not the act itself. Your anger is your own reaction; get over your own grudges before you engage your child. Tell your child you want to hear her thoughts about what happened. She may not want to talk about it, but persist. My daughter knows that I will deal with whatever she tells me, but not telling me isn’t an option – she’ll get in more trouble doing the latter! And since the situation was half created by you both, hear both sides. It’s not about being right, it’s about being heard. You are her dad; your daughter will do everything to win your approval. Treat this admiration with care and teach your daughter everything you know. Right now, you’re primarily the driver. When you’re old and gray, the roles could be reversed.