It’s not your responsibility to make someone happy

My daughter asked me in early December if I can buy her two tickets to the Nutcracker ballet. I didn’t know she liked ballet. Or wanted to sit through two hours of live theatre. Add to this, I didn’t particular care to watch it either, so I asked her why. She said she wanted to take her mom. “That’s a nice gesture,” I said, but also thinking in the back of my mind why her mom wouldn’t fork over the tickets instead of burdening a child with the cost. Then my daughter said, I want to take mom since I walked out on her five years ago. Come again?

When she was 5 years-old, my ex had purchased tickets to go see the Nutcracker that Christmas. But at that age, she didn’t understand the story, the music was too loud, seats were uncomfortable and the performance too long. Shortly after the opening act, my daughter told her mom that she didn’t want to stay and wanted to go. And they left after 10 minutes. I think the mom must have had a strong enough reaction for my daughter to remember this incident six years later and felt she needed to make amends.

I shall not speak about the thought processes my ex had had to bring about this situation. But suffice to tell my daughter that happiness is not owed, and she must never sacrifice hers to ensure someone else’s. I was glad that I was able to help my daughter work through some of this burden. Maybe even guilt. She felt a bit lighter in her step and conscience afterwards.

 

Suffice to tell my daughter that happiness is not owed, and she must never sacrifice hers to ensure someone else’s. If outward expressions of gratitude must be received, then inward experience of fulfilment is not possible.

 

The problem with making someone happy, much less a child being put into a position of parentification, is that no one comes out of this with the intended goal. The person doing the placating does it out of obligation or appeasement. The recipient would find no external gesture large enough to fill this self-made void. The feeling of happiness comes from within—not without. If outward expressions of gratitude must be received, then inward experience of fulfilment is not possible.

“Did mom ask you to do this?” I inquired. No, I just felt I should since she didn’t get to see it. “That’s a very nice gesture but remember that you can do other nice things together. There is no obligation to repay in kind; you did not walk out out of malice. You did it because you were a kid!” We had a little talk about her responsibility to make another person happy: zero. I explained that her mother should have known to take you to something both could enjoy.

Then I said, “Now as far as making daddy happy, you can help me put the dishes away.” She cut me a stare. Then I made a V-sign with my fingers, pointed at my eyes, flicked my wrist to point at hers. Then pointed to the dishes and made a whirly gesture for her to put it all away. But daddy, that’s making you happy! “Yes, and sometimes, my happiness will be your happiness, too.” Hmmm.