“Daddy, you’re on Tinder?”
Shivers shot right through me when I heard my daughter say those words. My first thought was, How do you know what Tinder is? My second thought was, How did you know I was on it? My third was, What did you see? My daughter glanced over at my phone and recognized the app icon she had seen on TikTok. Then she proceeded to interrogate me. Her first question was, “Daddy, are you lonely?”
My Life Version 1.0 consisted of doing whatever I wanted as a single guy. It was mostly cool, sometimes reckless and occasionally intoxicated. It was like riding a tricycle: so long as I don’t turn corners too quickly, it was fun and temporary. When I got married, Life Version 2.0 began. It was like riding a bicycle: everything is a balancing act. The divorce and subsequent single-parenting of my daughter kicked off Life Version 3.0. Now, it’s like riding a unicycle: do everything I used to do on a bicycle, but with one fewer tire! As rewarding as my daddy role has been, I also can’t deny a sense of melancholy building inside me. So, being short on time, having the benefit of profiling insights and geo-locations for convenience, I signed up for Tinder (and a few other apps).
Such apps never existed when I met my wife. And I immediately had to learn some basic acronyms. SWF and LTR are dated terms, and it screams old school. FWB, MILFs and DILFs are presumptuous and appropriate on only certain platforms. I also had to learn what NPNC, DDF, RL, and K meant just so I can speak the same language. But before even venturing onto these platforms, I had a long hard look at the current state of my life. Parts of it were fine, but parts of it needed major rebuilding. Part of the reason why I struggled with divorced life was because I was living in a prison of my own creation and failing to see my own habits. Friends encouraged me with empathetic yet very candid feedback. “You know what you don’t want, start from there.”
I’m not looking to fill up my time; I’m looking for someone to share my time.
Be true to yourself. Whether you are looking for Ms. Right, Ms. Right Now or even a Mr. Right, the decisions you make should reflect the readiness of your emotional state and the acceptance of yourself by you. You’re middle age. You are living your life for you—not others. For me, growing up as the youngest child in the family, ironically I always fell off the list of people to take care of. I had to self-father. I wound up taking care of girlfriends more often than not. I took care of friends down on their luck. I wound up supporting my wife who didn’t work whilst we were married and helped her finish her university degree and put her through a Masters program. And now I am taking care of a child. The last thing I wanted was to find myself taking care of another person in my middle age. Being both able bodied, what I need in this stage of my life is a partner who’s kind, respectful, comes with their own content and accepts my daughter as a significant part of my life.
Be true to others. Because I’ve have already lived many decades, I have a history (some may call it baggage). So do the people you’re swiping left and right. Shortly after the divorce, I went on a rampage of dates and hookups and have discovered that I was clandestinely being recruited as a replacement husband, replacement father (for their kids) and if the kids were older, a potential replacement grandfather! I’m middle age and have no time for role play or games. In fact, I have no appetite for other people’s drama either. I’m not looking to fill up my time; I’m looking for someone to share my time. So being honest and frank with the other person so you don’t waste time is actually refreshing. You’re not too emotionally invested so walking away shouldn’t be too hard. They are probably assessing you in the same way so don’t take it personally.
Act your age. We’re all adults now. Unless you are extremely lucky, you will not likely find your soul mate (does one even exists?) on your first date. You’re building a social network in which some will be coffee friends, some for casual hookups and others may be considered for potential committed partners. Play safely so you can continue to keep playing. And just like Life 1.0 paved the way for Version 2.0, it’s best to live a Version 3.0 life that will allow you to dovetail into Life 4.0, a stage when you are an empty nester after your child(ren) have left for college and are grown. In this stage, ideally, you’d trade your unicycle for tandem bike. Unfortunate will be a situation when a man is still dealing with unresolved issues from previous stages of life. It’s not to say you can’t have Version 1.0 moments in Version 4.0 life—you should still carve out time for yourself. But it’s long due to resolve past conflicts. The best antidote for past sour relationships is to live well.
After my daughter’s questions, I look at her and said, “Yes, daddy is on Tinder because like you, daddy wants to meet new friends, too. But nothing between us will ever change. If I bring someone home, I want you to meet them and I will value your opinion on this person. And that goes for you too: when you bring someone home for me to meet in the future. Is that okay?” She hugged me tighter than she ever had and said, “Deal.”
