Raising your only child as though she wasn’t
I come from a large family. During holidays, our house would be packed with 30 or more people, so for me growing up was always a community affair. It’s all I’ve known and could scarcely imagine some of my friends growing up as an only child, whose parents were also an only child. How quiet it must be compared to the riotous gatherings in my home. And now, my daughter is herself in the situation I could have scarcely imagined. It was never planned this way, but my separation and divorce happened when she was 3 years-old and she barely remembers a time when we all lived as a family of three. But it’s a good thing that she hasn’t fallen far from the tree so I am able to raise part-time, a single child in my non-nuclear surroundings. To be more precise, I’m raising my daughter as a K-kid with r-values.
Readers in the natural sciences discipline will understand immediately what I’m talking about. K- and r-strategies refer to reproductive approaches to a population of organisms. I still remember this from my bio-chem days in school. Extreme K-strategists refer to animals that use high energy levels to produce one or few offsprings. They require high parental involvement; have late maturity and long life expectancy. Elephants, whales and penguins are examples. In contrast, extreme r-strategists refer to animals that use low energy levels to produce many offsprings. They require little to no parental involvement and mature quickly. Rabbits, sea-turtles and tadpoles are examples. The survival strategies of each are as diverse as the organisms themselves and as human, we have the ability to glean the best of both approaches for a moderate method of childrearing.
Whether you have an only child or multiple children, every child deserves moments of K-attention. But r-values are an essential counterpoint. The survival strategies of each are as diverse as the organisms themselves and as human, we have the ability to glean the best of both approaches for a moderate method of childrearing.
For me, the advantage of having one child, in a timesharing situation, is that I can lavish this one little person both time and resources. It could be as simple as splurging at a restaurant or a store. If we were a family of 4 or more, I’d think more seriously about budgets and would frequent thrift stores and dine at buffets more often. K-selection allows me to have the luxury of choosing the highest quality experience for value. It allows me to invest the time to raise my child to recognize all things and have the choice and wherewithal to choose the best. Whether you have an only child or multiple children, every child deserves moments of K-attention.
This, of course, has to be balanced against indulgence and not being wasteful so children are grounded to live within our means. K-lifestyle alone is not a beneficial strategy for human social interaction as it will degrade the ecosystem alienating all who were raised that way. That’s why r-values are an essential counterpoint. We all live within the same global village, and I have to instill in my only child to take a collective view of things. She needs to understand that society is not a tuck shop for her to take whatever and whenever she wants, whether she needs it or not. Our world has been operating with that thinking for too long and the descent into an irreversible decline of the tragedy of the commons is near.
We have the good fortune of having my family close-by and my daughter has cousins and second cousins. When I took my daughter overseas to see more family, she was completely floored to discover that her family is so huge and she wasn’t the only child! I quite simply said to her, “You thought it was just you and me?” For my daughter, knowing that she is a part of a large family tree actually makes her feel connected to others; her history isn’t just a thread off of mom and dad as a sibling-less child but part of a large tapestry of grannies, uncles, aunts and cousins who know her better than she knows of them! Even if you don’t have extended families near or far, it’s important to ground children in the community in which you live. The old African adage is true: it does take a village of different people to raise a child. Blood relatives or not, the diversity of people and cultures interweaving in your child’s life will absolutely play an important and enriching role in your child’s experience; these will be her roots. You may have an only child, but she shouldn’t have to grow up that way.