The benefits of step-siblings

My ex-wife and I have one daughter. As of this writing, I have not remarried and extended her family to include step-siblings from another marriage. My ex, on the other hand, has a new partner with a son from another marriage. So conveniently, my daughter has an older step-brother—of sorts.

Since I am the youngest of seven children in a house that was always filled with commotion, I will never know what it’s like to be an only-child. But research and testimony convince me that an only-child is more confident but less agreeable. The one thing that almost everyone will agree (even by only-children themselves) is that they secretly fear the isolation when the parents get older. As morbid as it sounds, even my daughter understands this and she hates it when we talk about people getting old, me included.

But in the here and now, she enjoys the company of a slightly older (by 4 years) step-sibling. They hang out, listen to generally the same music and enjoy the relative independence from the parents. He looks over her, while she gets to explore vicariously things she may not otherwise do. Their common experiences of divorced lifestyle give them immediate commonality. The two gelled quickly. They don’t have to explain to each other the concept of blended families and constantly changing households. They just get it. My daughter also gets to inherit the older boy’s collection of outgrown sweatshirts and hoodies.

 

But the one thing about step-siblings discuss openly is the nefarious and oblivious comparison between the step-parents versus the real parents.

 

I also think the fact that they are of opposite gender creates less friction. The fact that they are different and years apart make comparison a moot point. They don’t fight over the same things and therefore free to enjoy each other’s stuff and company. And for my daughter, it’s an opportunity for her to talk about media and subcultures that she may not want to discuss with me—because, well, I’m old and don’t listen to her music. The step-sibling offers a safe avenue for her to develop a platonic relationship with another male. When a topic of discussion becomes too trivial for the older or too complicated for the younger, the conversation switches immediately to common ground. But I think one of the big reasons why these two likes to hang out together is because they don’t see each other often. Both kids have their own respective residency calendars and sometimes, long weekends don’t sync up. So indeed, it is like seeing a friend when they do get together.

While some younger step-sibling may undergo identity issues with step-parents and having to share time with their own biological parent, my daughter has very clear understanding of who her mother and father are simply because she was already 10 years-old before she was introduced to mom’s significant other. But the one thing about step-siblings discuss openly is the nefarious and oblivious comparison between the step-parents versus the real parents. I know that most step-fathers try to win hearts by currying favors. It’s less effective when it comes to older kids with strong, established identities. They see right through it. What I’ve always told my daughter is that she will always have one loving father and one loving mother. Anything above and beyond that is a bonus! My daughter believes this and knows that her relationships with her biological parents are on solid ground and so she would never feel threatened or that something is missing that needs to be topped up. She knows that regardless of who comes and goes in her life, she never has to worry about her real parents leaving. I can’t love her anymore and I won’t love her any less. I therefore don’t worry about which step-parent or step-siblings comes in and out of her life.