Dad, one of my friends is going to be out partying late. Her parents don’t know she’s going. Is it okay if she has a sleepover? My bullshit sensor lit up like a Christmas tree. I looked at my daughter dead-in-the-eyes and said, “Your friend is conflating the two and using you as an alibi.”

My daughter paused. She realized what she was asking me and then confirmed that I was right. She wasn’t sure if she should tip off her friend or be upset at being used. I heard her on the phone telling this friend she can’t come over.

Later, I said to my daughter that if her friend ever needed a refuge, she could come over by Uber or taxi. But it is for the purpose of a safe space, not a play date. She understood. “Do you really?” I inquired. I think so. “Do you think it would be fair to me, your father, if one of your friends lied about your whereabouts?” No. “What if something bad happened and a cover up prevented me from taking action?” That would be bad. “You think her parents deserve less than that?” No.

The latitude I give to my daughter doesn’t extend to her friends.

The latitude I give to my daughter doesn’t extend to her friends. For the reason I’d buy alcohol for my daughter but not for her friends, it is my way of incrementally widening my daughter’s ring fence. I know she will experiment and drink anyway; forbidding it is simply naïve, so there has to be effective boundaries. As much as her boundaries are changing, mine do not as I do not condone public underage drinking, much less being a supplier.

I have exposed my daughter to cigars and alcohol. We talked about sex, drugs and rock and roll. We even touched on the topic of pornography and as early as 6 years-old, we contextualized use of the F-word. I do this because my way of parenting is not to hasten her growing up; but to prepare her as the world is constantly beating at her door.

My daughter had a rethink of this sleepover request and it led her to have a rethink of her friend choices. It really wasn’t fair to be put into that situation and be a party to deceive others. Ultimately, my daughter will figure all of it out. She’s seen me put my foot down; often, she was on the receiving end of it. Now she gets it and doesn’t feel badly about doing the same. She’s coming into her own.