Does your daughter behave differently with you than with her mom?

Back in college, I had a buddy whom I got along with quite well. We had the same outlook on life and even had similar career paths. Since leaving our alma mater, we have moved to different cities. And although I don’t see him often, he’s one of my best friends and we do our best to keep in touch. But it wasn’t always like this. During our college days, we actually didn’t hang out very much. He was always with his girlfriend and whenever she was around, he was different: more cautious, more reserved, less chatty, didn’t tell off-colored jokes and generally had the personality of a wet blanket. His girlfriend was a nice enough person but I didn’t like who my friend was when she’s around so I only socialized with him when she’s not. Even still, he’d be watching the clock and cautious that he didn’t do anything outrageous that could get called out later. It was evident that a part of him was still tethered to. Our friendship only developed out of these infrequent moments. Eventually, I said to him, “If she’s important to you then she’s important to me.” It was probably the most grown up thing I’ve ever said. I think he realized that I wasn’t going to judge him and it really made no difference to me why he does what he does. Neither was it my place to call anything out. We’ve been best buds since. Eventually, he divorced, and like me, he’s gone through the marriage spin cycle. He now has a new wife and a daughter. Our lives continue to run along parallel lines.

Then one day, like a lifting fog, it became evident that my daughter was also behaving differently when she’s with me compared to when she’s with her mom. I wrote about this almost four years ago in an article called Detoxing your child after a week at your ex’s. But back then, she was 6 years-old, and I didn’t delve too deeply in this behavior. Now at 10, her behavior is shaping her personality. I’m not suggesting that my divorce has produced a child with Jekyll and Hyde tendencies where she would target one parent over the other in a power struggle. But these observable behaviors are undeniable. Her tone of voice is also different whether mom is present or not. Whatever is going on, the egos at play are creating visible friction. And she hasn’t even hit the teen years yet.

 

Maybe her reservedness isn’t a function of her personality, but the other way around. In other words, her reservedness is simply a self-censored reaction in anticipate of who and how she is spoken to. I have little influence over how she develops her defense mechanisms for adaptive socialization with others, but she knows that our conversations will remain constant and faithful.

 

I started to seriously ponder this to understand the conditions of my daughter’s reservedness. I ruled out the custody arrangement since both parents have equal time and equal opportunity to preside over homework and leisure with equal opportunity to be the enforcer and cuddler. I ruled out social stresses from peers as I have observed no cause for concern with bullying or serious disagreements amongst her friends. There are also no gender pressures that am able to detect. I also ruled out her interaction with family members and persons of authority. She seems to connect well and doesn’t feel oppressed or have an innate desire to suddenly rebel. After a short and unscientific investigation, I thought maybe her reservedness isn’t a function of her personality, but the other way around. In other words, her reservedness is simply a self-censored reaction in anticipate of who and how she is spoken to—just like my college buddy was with his girlfriend turned first-wife.

As adults, it’s easy to understand that we have different approaches for different people. The way I talk to my ex is less patient and accommodating than when I am speaking with my boss at work. The formality I use when talking to a complete stranger will be devoid of all familiarity compared to my old college buddies. Certainly I also use a different voice when I speak with my daughter. And since I’ve already concluded that she’s not exhibiting any form of projection or escapism as far as I can tell, I would expect that she has different faces and voices and I don’t interfere with the way she develops distinct behavioral responses to different people.

I will never know all the conversations my daughter has with her mother—or with anyone else. Nor is it my place to second guess her approaches for all the people in her life. Outside of teaching and preparing my daughter, I may have little influence over how she develops her defense mechanisms for adaptive socialization. The only thing I can do when she is with me is to develop genuine, meaningful and respectful conversations that are non-judgmental. What’s important for her to know is that whatever dialog she has with others, ours will remain constant and faithful. It is not necessary for me to understand everything else. All I need her to know is that what’s important to her will also be important to me.