Years ago when my divorce was final, my mother said to me that her former daughter-in-law would continue to be a problem and my divorce will not end. I asked, “Why would you say that?” To which my mom answered instantly, ‘because you love your daughter and she’ll use that against you.’ I had mixed emotions when I heard those telling words from so many years ago.

Fast forward to today and I see abundant evidence of my ex-wife using my soft spot for our daughter as leverage. Whether it is financial or situational, the mom knows that if she slacks, the dad will expend the effort; if she doesn’t pay, the dad will; and if she stonewalls, the dad will just suck it up. But what my ex-wife didn’t realize about me were these two things.

First, I did none of this out of guilt or pity. I did it out of sheer joy. For instance, when the 2Cellos came to town, I purchased two tickets to take our daughter. It would have been her second time seeing the pair of cellists. But the concert date fell on a day/week when my daughter would take residency with her mom and so her mom did not allow me to take her. Needless to say, after a lot of unconstructive discussions, I simply gave the tickets to my daughter and told her that she can take whomever she wanted, even mom. The mom, of course, availed herself. While my daughter enjoyed the performance, she didn’t forget the theatrics. There’ll be other concerts, I told my daughter. It’s exactly these types of things where my ex-wife thinks she’s ruined my day but actuality, she’s wreaked havoc with her own daughter’s relationship.

 

The more vulnerabilities, the stronger the armor; in effect, the more there is to protect, the more intense the defense.

 

The other thing my ex didn’t count on was my grit. Everything my daughter and I do is very appropriate to her simple requests, interests and my income level. There’s nothing I do that is ostentatious or out of character. Even taking a trip abroad to visit family overseas was deemed appropriate by the judge. And over the years, her missed payments and ignored support obligations have added up to a sizeable sum. There are plenty of precedents that assure she cannot escape her obligation as a parent. And the things I ask for are not for me; they are for our daughter. This fact alone makes the ex’s fight even more in vain. And the passage of time does not diminish these obligations; in fact, time only highlights its unresolved dispute.

While I do not disagree with my mother that my daughter is, has been and will always be my soft spot, what nobody could have anticipated (not even I) was the development of my shield of armor—and a club to go along with it. My Achilles’ heel gave me the humanity to be the dad I am today, but it is also complemented with an armor to not only weather the onslaught but to allow me to take on the fight. The more vulnerabilities, the stronger the armor; in effect, the more there is to protect, the more intense the defense.

But sticking up for my daughter is something I would do whether I am a happily married dad, struggling divorced dad, tired shared-custody dad or a do-it-all-by myself single dad, the outcome is the same. The irony is that I didn’t expect to have this fight with my former wife—one of my daughter’s two closest, most important people in her life. Nevertheless, mine is a reactive response. And at the end of the day, all dads should know that none of this is about them. It’s also not about the child as a legal system is not necessary to resolve parenting matters. It’s really about your ex—and that should hardly be a priority.