When others take advantage of your child’s generosity
My daughter’s class had a fundraiser and each child was encouraged to bring money to buy items like books, stationery, simple toys and student-made artwork. I sent her to school with $10. She still doesn’t quite understand how much $10 was actually worth, but she knows not to spend it all on one purchase and to stretch out her money (I also had no idea how the items were priced and thought that $10 would be a reasonable donation). She came home with a 3D book with glasses, a yo-yo and a funky LED-tipped pen. She also told me that she bought another funky pen for one of her girlfriends. We reviewed the math: the book costs $5, yo-yo was $1 and the two pens were $2 each. I thought the money was well spent and it went to a good cause. She wanted more money the next day to buy another book. I gave her $5 more with the instruction that she doesn’t need to spend it and there will be no more money on the third day. At the end of the second day, she came home with $3. What did she buy? Another LED-tipped pen. Where was it? The same friend has it. So she has two pens? No, hers broke and so she asked my daughter to buy her a new one. And so a new conversation began.
‘Give to share’ and ‘give to help’ are admirable traits. But continuing to give without reasons and limits could potentially create a dependence situation where both the giver and receiver are locked into obsessive behavior. Habitual takers cannot be freed from perpetual reliance; habitual givers need to understand what deficiencies they are actually trying to top-up.
My daughter is generous because we are fortunate enough to have a comfortable lifestyle and not have to struggle day to day. I donate money to her school; I volunteer through my company’s corporate sponsorship for community care; and I am an occasional chaperone for school trips, etc. My daughter sees this and is giving in her own capacity. But, in this instance, she’s come across one of her friends whose older brother deliberately broke her LED-tipped pen within 1 minute of writing on the pavement! This poor little friend probably felt powerless to stand up to her brother and didn’t have the wherewithal to replace the pen and so naturally asked my daughter to buy her another one. From what I heard, my daughter initially protested feeling a bit pressured. My daughter felt uncomfortable about buying it a second time but gave in to her friend.
I explained to her that her feelings were correct. Her first purchase for her friend was a very generous gesture and not many people would have done that. Her second purchase to replace it was even more so. But there has to be a limit and she needs to feel comfortable enough to stand up and say ‘no’. After all, it was not my daughter who broke it and her friend should have taken better care of the gift. Fact of the matter is, the brother should have replaced it and her friend should have recourse with him, not my daughter. My daughter’s discomfort in this situation was bang-on; I encouraged her to heed her own feelings which should be the first source of truth to influence her actions. She understood this concept and flatly denied her friend any requests to buy items on the third and last day of the fundraiser; she spent the remaining $3 on herself.
Children (and even adults) sometimes get caught up with the feeling of guilt and are subsequently coerced into doing something they don’t feel right about. In a lot of cases, it is the fear of loss that motivates the child: loss of friendship, loss of harmony and maybe even loss of face. But ultimately, she must never experience a loss of self – no one should.
I’m teaching my daughter that ‘give to share’ and ‘give to help’ are admirable traits that will take her a long way in life. Beyond that, continuing to give without reasons and limits could potentially create a dependence situation where both the giver and receiver are locked into obsessive behavior. Habitual takers cannot be freed from perpetual reliance; habitual givers need to understand what deficiencies they are actually trying to top-up. Teaching your child to give because she chooses to help is one of the most important gifts you’ll ever give her.