Cougars will hunt; protect your cubs

While my daughter is not of dating age and currently thinks all boys are stupid and obnoxious, I do have to prepare for the eventuality that her idea of boys will change. That’s because, once upon a time, I was one of those boys eyeing many a man’s daughter. But little has been written about daughters watching over daddy’s back. And while this wasn’t something I had expected, my daughter’s natural defenses to keep me safe is very much a part of her DNA to ensure her own survival.

One afternoon, I took my daughter out to an old fashion baseball game in an open air stadium. She’s not much of a fan, but we had pretty good field-level seats and an abundance of hotdogs, peanuts and crackerjacks. I watched the game and she mostly watched the people and banged on noise makers. Sitting directly behind us were two women who were having a grand old time chatting, drinking wine and watching men. They obviously notice my daughter sitting next to me so their language was clandestinely naughty without begin crude. Occasionally, I would hear snippets of their conversation and I would smirk as I stared at my feet. I didn’t dare turn around, but I’m sure they knew I heard them. I think they did it on purpose. Then one of these lovely ladies asked my daughter directly if she was having a good time with her daddy. My daughter was caught off guard and muttered a soft, “Yes.” The ladies pressed on and asked her if we’d like to sit next to them. My daughter’s soft and timid response turned to an immediate, “No.” We all chuckled. These cougars pressed on, “Are you sure? We can sit together and have a drink with your daddy.” My daughter remained silent, shook her head and grabbed my arm. We all smiled sympathetically.  I kindly thanked the ladies for their proposition and we all turned back to the game.

If you gradually help her to understand that one more person in your life doesn’t mean one fewer in hers, your child will be far more prepared and willing to loosen her gripe on you ever so slightly.

I’m no psychologist and I didn’t have a follow up conversation with my daughter about what she felt, but my money is on her 9 year-old sense of security. A young daughter of this age wants only one thing from her daddy: unconditional love. She felt very threatened that the two women would pull me away and leave her exposed and rudderless. Though only 9 years-old, she was already very forthright with her feelings on her understanding of relationships and whom daddy can and cannot be with. I am certain that as the years wear on, she will be more and more vocal and would eventually give me advice on women one day.

For me and millions of custody sharing dads, we are in a perfect situation to compartmentalize our lives to separate personal pursuits from our daughter’s. I’m not suggesting that you have Jekyll and Hyde lifestyle where you are a loving dad during your week-on and then turn in to an ax-murderer during your week-off. What I am suggesting is that you keep your adult life separate from your fatherhood life. As her father, your daughter has never at any time in her life needed you more. As she enters her late childhood (ages 9 through 12), her body is being doused with hormones that will change her physically. These changes will affect her psychologically and any pull back from you she will internalize as rejection. It is a time of extreme vulnerability for her.

Flirting, swiping or one-night standing, there will come a time when there will be a more consistent someone in your life either by chance or by choice. The week-on/week-off routines will eventually spillover into one giant calendar where there would be an uneven number of custody nights in your favor. While I’ve been a strong advocate of keeping your adult relationships separate from your child, your child is getting older and can appreciate the slow crumbling of these divisions. If you gradually help her to understand that one more person in your life doesn’t mean one fewer in hers, your child will be far more prepared and willing to loosen her gripe on you ever so slightly. Done slowly and positively, your daughter will be less likely to sabotage your relationship.