Don’t call your daughter by nicknames her friends use
When used as terms of endearment and not as denigration, nicknames have the remarkable ability to instantly bring people back to a time that reminds them of inclusion and joy. I recall the moment back in college when a bunch of us mobbed a fast food restaurant during a road trip. We were so hungry and ate so quickly that one of the guys had bits of food stuck to his face while looking for seconds. Didn’t matter whether it was bread crumbs, salad or a slab of ribeye, crap just stuck to his face. It happened often enough that he earned the charming name of Sticky. The name quite aptly, stuck, and we’ve been calling him that for over 2 decades now. I believe it was also the same road trip that I was bestowed the charming nickname of Depend. Since I was often the driver and navigator, I often decided where and when to make pit stops. I guessed I took one too many rest stops to be named after an adult diaper. Twenty plus years later, they still ask about my bladder situation. My buddies are awful.
No doubt you’ve given your daughter a few nicknames that are reflective of her personality or situations you’ve shared. And no doubt, your daughter is now old enough to interact with her friends in situations where they have nicknames for each other, too. Once I was at her school and overheard one of her friends call her by a particular moniker. I smiled and asked my daughter, “Your friends call you by that?” Without missing my beat, she grimaced at me and snapped with a pointed finger, “Yes, and you may not call me by that name.” I nodded and said, “Fair enough,” respecting her rule, clearly sensing her warning for me to back away from her social space.
Respect her rules and back away from her social space. Quite simply put, you are not of that social circle and cannot freely assume you can be a part of that membership.
Nicknames or pet names are very common in practically every culture. In fact, sociologists have found that the vast majority of people in relationships have pet names for each other and that a vast majority of them classify the relationship as happy. This is not surprising as pet names dispense with formalities and connotes context of closeness. By contrast, you would rarely have pet names for people at work. By extreme, nicknames in a formal setting may even have an opposite implication. For example, kids in a class to an unsuspecting substitute teacher.
We all have different associations for the different roles we occupy in the company we keep. Men and women of military service will address each other by rank. Mister and Ms (a portmanteau of the words Missus and Miss) are used with respect and formality. Sir and ma’am might still be used generically as a sign of courtesy. But rarely do circles mix. For me, I’m kind of still old school. I appreciate respect and courtesy first; if it is dispensed with later, then it usually signals familiarity and casualness—or not. It’s for this reason why I don’t allow my daughter’s friends to call me by my first name. My daughter doesn’t call me by my first name and neither do her friends. They can call me Mr. Lastname or by my daughter’s name followed by –dad. It’s kind of like the Japanese custom of like adding –san at the end of a name to capture an element of respect and politeness with an acquainted tone. In true reciprocity, it is for these reasons, I would never trample over my daughter’s boundaries and will respect the endearing nicknames used by her friends. Quite simply put, I am not of that social circle and cannot freely assume I can be a part of that membership.
I find it comforting that my daughter has gelled with a group of girls of common interest. Their pack is critical for social development, support and even defense as girls in a clique will surely stick up for each other. They talk about all sorts of stuff and it will be no surprise that as they continue to develop their friendships, they will develop their own language of words, gestures and references for each other which are deeply rooted in their shared experiences. And it is no different from mine or yours.