Isolation: a passive form of torment

Bullying in children comes in all forms and to all gender. It is a problem that many of us are aware and as parents, limited in our ability to do much about. The amount of intervention we apply is directly proportional to the type and vicinity bullying is perpetrated on our children. Physical and verbal abuses are generally easier to call out and our ability to contain it can be immediate. We see a child pushing another in a school yard: an abrupt and terse statement demanding they stop would usually suffice for that moment. Cyber bullying on the other hand, where the attackers can be both nameless and faceless are much more difficult to pin down and it is nearly impossible to detect when the onslaught begins and ends. While our children’s limited on-line time at this age may not lend themselves to being exposed to digital torment, there is evidence that an exclusion of attention and involvement especially amongst cliques and factions amongst friends (whether on-line or not) can be just a hurtful.

Unlike boys, girls’ test for alliances rarely requires members to be subjected to physical acts; they are more psychological. For girls, relationship is key. Three things are crucial in building any relationship: communications (girls excel at this), honesty (girls are very good at sharing common success and commiserating failures compared to boys) and commitment for the long term (again, girls generally have longer outlooks compared to the immediacy which boys tend to focus upon). These three ingredients take time to mature and the absence of any one may severely sour the overall relationship. But once secured, girlfriends can be inseparable and lifelong. Girlfriends will be the first to step in and help out a sister. They will be most brutally honest with each other especially at their critique of other relationships and their dialog is the unceasing lifeblood of their longevity. When this type of support is removed, either through conflict or intention, the results can be more damaging than physical assault.

I’m glad my daughter didn’t feel the need to attend every event she’s invited to out of obligation or commiseration. Her decision not to accept the invitation was a powerful response. Her misfortune of once being a victim of bullying has driven her to develop a far more effective counter-response by denying her tormentor an audience.

Susie, my daughter’s long-time nemesis has again fallen out of sorts with other kids in the school. As another year passes, this child’s circle of friends is an eclectic collection of younger children and a handful of older rebels; rarely is she seen with peers her own age. While my daughter and her own peer group tolerate Susie, I can see that they have little interests in forming anything meaningful with her. In a recent invitation to Susie’s 9th birthday party at her home, my daughter wasn’t keen on going. Her reason? Many of her other friends are either busy or have other things to do. I asked if she wanted to go and her reply was, “Not really. Not if my friends aren’t going. And I really don’t have much in common with her, anyway.” Is anyone going to this party I inquired? “Some boys, that’s it.” I realized right away that the party would have been an excuse for my daughter to see her friends, not the reason for them to get together. I also foresee that if this group of girls showed up, they would hang out with each other and will perfunctorily interact with the birthday girl. My heart goes out to Susie as I often hear parents throwing parties for their children hoping to be overrun with little friends only to find a trickling of footsteps showing up late or not at all.

My daughter wasn’t being vindictive or being (knowingly) exclusionary. She doesn’t feel bitterness for the months of torment Susie had put her through. Retribution wasn’t on her mind as she didn’t need it to move forward. She also didn’t feel she needed to make any reparation or felt responsible for Susie’s current state of isolation. I was also interested in seeing how much of my daughter’s peer group had in swaying her decision in attending the birthday party. She told me that she wouldn’t be ashamed to be seen with Susie or worry what her other friends might think if she did go. She simply didn’t feel connected. In effect, Susie had no ‘pull’ to interest my daughter on a one on one basis. This unattached ambivalence is a surprising complex set of emotions for an 8 year-old to express.

Not much was talked about after the weekend as everyone went back to school. It was just as well. I’m glad my daughter didn’t feel the need to attend every event she’s invited to out of obligation or commiseration. I’m also glad that if she wanted to attend, she wouldn’t feel it would be a betrayal to her other friends. Her very decision not to accept the invitation was a powerful response. Her misfortune of once being a victim of bullying and other instances where she was spurned by friends have driven her to develop defenses, coping mechanisms and other counter-response; in this case: denying her tormentor an audience.  As a father, my duty to my daughter is first to stand up for her and then to teach her to stand for herself. My hope is that she continues to invest in relationships that are built on meaningful standards set by her. This way, she can define herself as the person she wants to be and make decision based on this sole criterion.