Let’s face it, sometimes being nice simply doesn’t pay off! I recount the numerous times I have let cars in front of me in crowed traffic only for them to decide to turn left at the last-minute blocking me and backing up traffic. If I knew they were going to cause me inconvenience, I might not have let them in, I thought selfishly.

Then there was a time when someone pulled up next to me at a gas pump who wanted to sell me his almost new iPhone. I was, of course, hesitant as I never buy electronics at a gas station. But the immigrant speaking broken English had his wife and child in the backseat. He gestured that he needed money to buy food and gas. I again declined but his insistence softened my stand. Would I seem like a capitalistic pig to negotiate price with someone struggling to put food in his family’s mouths? What’s a couple hundred bucks and I can upgrade my daughter’s old iPhone. I gave him cash and when I gave the phone to my daughter, she discovered it was fake! I lost hope on humanity.

Who hurt these people so badly that they need to do this? My daughter has her own version of these stories. But this article isn’t about delving into the psychology of why people are the way they are; it’s about understanding our own reactions, judgement and ultimately our identity.

For one, being constantly nice can attract the wrong people. Our generosity can be misinterpreted as being pushovers to manipulators and narcissists. It’s not that generosity requires reciprocity, it doesn’t. Nor does it require recognition. We should do nice things because it’s simply that: it’s nice. But over time, repeated episodes of unrequited congeniality can lead to burnout.

This article isn’t about delving into the psychology of why people are the way they are; it’s about understanding our own reactions, judgement and ultimately our identity.

Another example of being nice and covering for a colleague can sometimes have dire consequences. Taking on the blame to lessen someone else’s negative consequences at work only shifts the culpability as the risk (and consequences) are only transferred. This is especially impactful in scrums as agile framework in project methodology is particularly sensitive to work delays given the short sprints. The offender never learns and repeated niceness offers a crutch that becomes a dependence.

And I’ve also been in a personal situation where two of my buddies had an unrecovered argument over one’s divorce. I sided with my buddy and fully supported my friend’s new love interest. I could have remained friends with the ex-wife as I wasn’t forbidden to do so. But in the end, his friendship was worth more to me. As for the other buddy, he never stayed friends with the ex and the male friendship was burned.

I don’t know why people do the things they do and I can’t know the circumstances which led them to do these things. But I’m old enough to realize that minding my own business is the best approach. However, if something frictionous comes my way, I’ll call it out. I’m old enough not to care what people think and I’m also confident enough to know what basic social courtesy is. I don’t need to be rude back, but I will objectively state what is and isn’t acceptable to me. It might not change their world, but I don’t want theirs to change mine.