Do bad boys raise good daughters?
I have friends with teenage daughters who are perpetually attracted to bad boys. When they break up with one, a short pause is followed by another flavor of the month. These guys are athletically built, have great looks and a full head of hair. But what are generally lacking from these borderline narcissistic young men are attentiveness, appreciation and respect. The girls come from great homes. My buddies are emotionally available dads, loving husbands and there’s no history of conflict or abuse of any kind. This isn’t just an anomaly, but a common occurrence amongst my male friends with teenage daughters. And I think to myself, if these guys in stable families with two loving parents are having these serious concerns, what are my chances as a single dad raising a daughter? Then I started to hypothesize. Maybe it’s not the daughter; maybe it’s the dad!
I look back at myself. I used to smoke, chase skirts, dated more than one at a time, partied like it was going out of style and I even have a couple of tattoos from those days to show for it. While I don’t hide things about my past, I also don’t talk about it with my 7 year-old, either. It will make for interesting and future conversations when she gets older. To an extent, I still do some of this now when my daughter is with her mom. While I party infrequently because it takes me longer to recover, my daughter knows I go out often. On her nightly calls to me, she always asks “Where are you, daddy?” Out. “Daddy, you are always out when I call you.”
Girls might also be attracted to bad boys because of the image of adventure and forbidden excitement. My buddy’s daughter’s rooms are filled with stuffed animals and other gender specific toys. It’s all sugar and spice and everything nice. Never have I seen a Sigourney Weaver poster of her kicking Alien butt while smoking a cigarette adorned on their doorway. Perhaps when parents encourage their girls to take (calculated) risks of their own at a younger age, it could lessen the need for them to seek the adventures of others – or be easily impressed by them.
I am no psychologist and my opinions here are simply that. I think on-going conversations with my buddies have led me to believe that girls like the challenges of emotionally aloof boys. When attention isn’t predictable, they may crave it even more, especially when it is infrequent. For a dad who is always there, the excitement might not be. When was the last time you got excited over plugging your laptop into an electrical outlet? You expect to have electricity. When was the last time you felt this way about WiFi at a gas bar along the highway? Wow, free WiFi on Route 66? Woo hoo!
Girls might also be attracted to bad boys because of the image of adventure and forbidden excitement. Perhaps it is the intrigue of experiencing vicarious risk. My buddy’s daughter’s rooms are filled with stuffed animals and other gender specific toys. It’s all sugar and spice and everything nice. Never have I seen a Sigourney Weaver poster of her kicking Alien butt while smoking a cigarette adorned on their doorway. Perhaps when parents encourage their girls to take (calculated) risks of their own at a younger age, it could lessen the need for them to seek the adventures of others – or be easily impressed by them later in life. It’s not a novelty for them, anymore.
As for my daughter and me, regardless of what I do, I am still available to her. I won’t solve her problems, but I am there when she is in trouble. While I will let her indulge in being a princess from time to time, I will not let her boss me around like a queen in training. As I fill her days with activities and road trips, I do not feel guilty if she is alone. And while, I would encourage her to play outside, get dirty (exposure to dirt and nature reduces allergies, anyway) and learn the proper use of the f-word, there are times when I expect her to be impeccably well-mannered. How will all this turn out? I have no idea! I’ll let you know my successes (and failures) in about a decade.