Parenting isn’t about the parent (Case study 3): An adult’s obscene gesture
As your daughter gets older, an increasing amount of socialization will obviously come from outside your home. Many of these interactions will elicit positive responses, some neutral and a few downright unacceptable. In this multi-article conversation, I’ll be writing about the unacceptable because sometimes, parents are the worst part of parenting.
Finding parking in a packed mall is one of the most unpleasant activities I can think of doing. I’d much rather shop in my local neighborhood. But occasionally, I have to make a trip to the big box malls and the last time I did this, I circled the lot several times and finally found a driver backing out of a spot. My daughter and I were elated that it only took 10 minutes to look for a spot. No sooner had that driver backed out, another car had actually pull ahead from the other side and driven forward into the spot I was about to enter. I threw my hands up and gave her a WTF look. She turned her engine off, got out of the car and then gestured her middle finger in full view of me and my daughter who is sitting in the front seat. Even my daughter thought the woman was rude. My expression turned from speechless to disgust. And then this woman proceeded to put this middle finger into the rolled up palm of the other hand. My daughter asked me what that gesture meant. I was silent, found another spot, shut off the engine and then turned to my daughter, “It’s the sign language of an illiterate peasant.” What does it mean, daddy? “It’s the physicalization of the f-word and extremely inappropriate to use in public.” A few minutes later, we saw this unschooled woman walked into a children’s clothing store! Incredulous!
Maybe this woman came from a country or culture where men and women have unequal rights and she saw me as a symbol of that oppression. Maybe this woman had an argument with her husband and blowing off steam with a total stranger would have the least amount of consequence. Or maybe this woman went to the dentist and then had part of her cerebral cortex responsible for empathy and compassion removed. Whatever the reason, I was left in the situation of having to explain to my daughter how a natural birds and the bees explanation can be heinously appropriated causing collateral ruin in her mind. It’s a good thing that our sex-ed discussions are already quite advanced!
It’s the physicalization of the f-word. Extremely inappropriate to use in public and the sign language of an illiterate peasant.” Sometimes, we learn how to behave suitably by actually observing the very opposite of that. And that isn’t something I can teach.
Part of me wanted to key her car. Heck, a part of me wanted to put a cherry bomb in her tailpipe. But I did none of those things. It was just a parking spot. Even though she took it without me contesting it, I wondered why she felt obligated to add insult with pantomimes, knowing full well I had a female child with me. Unlike other inappropriately behaving parents, there was no reason for me to acknowledge this woman’s existence, much less engage her for redress. It would be a waste of time and an unnecessary escalation. If I were by myself, I might take an opportunity to remind her of her previous oppression, but that’s not me. I’m glad she now lives in a society where she can freely express her thoughts and opinions without much repercussions, even if that expression lacks maturity. Would she have gestured like this in front of her own children? The fact she did this to another child is simply appalling.
At the end of the day, it was just a parking spot and no one was harmed. I chalk this incident up as another moment of living in a big crowded city with other people who may not be as balanced at coping with high density living. People will behave the way they do and sometimes we will never really know why. We live life in the open and my daughter sees it all, the good, the bad and sometimes the very ugly. Her being exposed to poor behavior in our world actually makes her more aware of appropriate and civilized ones. Sometimes, we learn how to behave suitably by actually observing the very opposite of that. And that isn’t something I can teach.
