Explaining death (Part 1): Age and sickness
My daughter got a pet fish when she was 3 years old. She fed it daily while I changed the water from time to time. Even with the best of care, the fish died after a few months. (I was surprised it had lasted as long as it did in that starter fish bowl.) Then she asked what happened to the fish. It died. We can get a new one. But she wanted that one. I explained that one isn’t coming back (I recall the 1989 Stephen King movie Pet Sematary, but didn’t dare tell her the story). We’ll have to go to the pet store and she can choose a new fish. Undeterred, my daughter wanted the first one.
This conversation spawned a discussion on death and dying. While you may have your own beliefs, ours is simple enough for a child to understand and devoid of dogma: we are born, we live on this earth and then we die. A lot happens in between, and I did not go into any discussions on what happens after that. But the general terms are as simple as I can explain it: there was a beginning, middle and then the end. I used a few examples like the birds we sometimes find on the ground or the road kill we saw off the highway. Even the tree in the neighborhood had to be fell when it got sick. This happens to people, too. Remember the old lady across the street? She died. All four of my grandparents (her great-grandparents) have died and that is why she doesn’t know them. People grow old or sick and they, too, will die.
She took a long moment for her 3 year old brain to process this and then she looked up at me with tears welling up and said, “If you die, who’s going to look after me?” She never ceases to amaze me. I replied, “That’s not going to happen for a long time. You’ll be an old lady before I am ready to go.”
People die when they are get very sick and when the doctors can’t heal them. I also explained that people die when they get old. In the case of Charlie, he was both.
Three years later and the conversation continues when another neighbor died. She witnessed the ambulance coming and taking ‘Charlie’ to the hospital. She even drew a picture for him to be hung in his hospital room. I was told that the picture brought a smile to his face. A few days later, he died. People die when they are get very sick and when the doctors can’t heal them. I also explained that people die when they get old. In the case of Charlie, he was both. He leaves behind a wife and an adult daughter and while they will miss him forever, she is a grownup and does not need her daddy to take care of her.
Our family is quite extended and we span four generations. My daughter is fortunate in that she hasn’t experienced a death in the immediate family. I’m sure it is a matter of time before we discuss another facet of this topic. And so far, she also hasn’t been exposed to a lot of news on political strife and global conflict. People will die from those causes too. But that’s enough for today.