Some relationships I don’t enter into; they just happen. Like the relationship with my daughter. Since she was an infant, I have cared for her in more ways than either of us can imagine. I do this without any expectation of return and this relationship has changed me into a different man as being a father has fundamentally altered who I am. And I would imagine that every relationship (including the ones I am born into) has the profound ability to change me.
Once upon a time, I entered into relationships for all sorts of reasons. I wanted a girlfriend so that my family would get off my back for being single. I went through so many of them and kept doing it because I wanted sex. I formed male friendships because I wanted camaraderie. I entered into relationships because I was bored. I wanted entertainment. I wanted to boost my ego. I was lonely. I was whatever the emotion dictated the terms of that relationship to be and it took on that characteristic. And while each relationship altered me somewhat, in all, I used to enter into them to get something out of it. Even my marriage was entered into for the purpose of having a family. My metamorphosis from single to married man to father changed me to such an extent that I was essentially and vastly incompatible to the changes my wife was concurrently undergoing. Even the divorce changed me. But that lesson was lost and I continued philandering. After years of abject depravity, I went through a period of self-imposed isolation and simply just worked on me only to emerge from my dark place with just an ounce more enlightened.
What is tragic is that when I finally discovered the most unconditional relationship I have ever experienced, it became the most unattainable. Life can be so mockingly sardonic.
And that is why the relationship I entered into with Poe hit me so hard when I ended it. With Poe, I needed to keep it discrete and neutral (including the language I use to write the article) because the infidelity and betrayal can still cause significant harm as Poe’s husband still doesn’t know about me. For the first time in my life, I fully appreciated what a relationship should be, however ironic in that it shouldn’t have happened. Poe and I never needed each other. We had no wanting for each other’s wealth, status, support or other emotional anchors. We also had no obligations to each other. We just wanted to spend time with one another. Poe was easy to talk to, easy to get along with, we shared our stories (both glorious and tragic) and got along so well that none of our 4-hour conversations or the tens of thousands of text messages exchanged ever felt labored or contrived. We only desired to spend time because we chose to! And time had no meaning when we were together. In this relationship, we gave each other our attention, our words, our thoughts, ourselves and never once thought about taking anything from the other that wasn’t offered. But eventually my desire to share more of my life outgrew Poe’s ability to reciprocate. I wasn’t even expecting reciprocity, but Poe’s marriage was a tether to a place that hindered freedom and choice. Ultimately, it dictated the boundaries for my growth. I did not want to exist only in the shadow of Poe’s marriage. I walked away and fell into depression not because I felt unloved, but because I felt unexpressed. My depression was not caused because I was injured or broken, but because I couldn’t feel openly and honestly for someone. And to many, I have no right to lament the loss of a forbidden liaison. What is tragic is that when I finally discovered the most unconditional relationship I have ever experienced with another adult, it became the most unattainable. Life can be so mockingly sardonic.
Including my daughter, only a handful of people knew about my illicit situation with Poe. I fully empathize with Tennyson’s ‘better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’. Having tasted the sweet nectar of unconditionality, I am further entrenched in my belief that I do not need another to make me whole—as I was never not whole. And my situation will not be cured by a replacement relationship to fill the time nor to distract from what I truly seek: to share with an equal. And as much as my own family and some friends have asked why I still haven’t remarried since the years of divorce; I simply have no craving to dutifully look for typecast roles which often turn into a settlement of lowest expectations as I fantasize the highest ideals. In another words, I’m not looking for a new wife or a new mother for my daughter and I certainly don’t need a relationship to replace previous ones.
My daughter still discretely asks how I am doing. She knows why I can be sad sometimes. Even though she knows I keep busy with work, friends and other activities, she also knows why I don’t rush out to replace that sadness with something new and shiny. My daughter knows me well enough that my expectations for myself have never been compromised—now more than ever. She knows that I’m not looking to fill a void but to add to the richness we already have. Perhaps the best thing I can bring to the father / daughter relationship isn’t the giving of unconditionality, but the person I am unconditionally becoming.
