Domestic outsourcing as a way of life
Growing up, my mom was always the one to cook, clean and shop. She looked after the mess of us and had a full time job as well. She was immensely happy as the kids got older and started performing a share of domestic duties. As her youngest child and the last to be in her care, she was happy that I pitched in and took over housework that older siblings once did before they moved out. When I got to high school, I got a co-op placement and had to wear shirt and tie to the office as part of gaining workplace experience. I couldn’t afford to dry clean my shirts so I washed and dry them and mom helped me iron them. She did this for a while until one day, the phone rang while she was ironing. She went to take it. I waited. Waited. And waited. When she came back, she asked why I didn’t finish. I said I was waiting for her. My mom quickly shook her head and said, “I’ve already showed you many times. You’re wasting electricity with the iron being plugged in all this time. She demonstrated one more time and then told me to finish the rest. That was the last time my mom ironed anything for me again. See is a smart woman.
Fast forward a generation. My daughter now has delicate laundry. She knows I sort by color and fabric when I do laundry, but she reminded several times that certain garments must not be put in the dryer. She was recalling an incident when her mom didn’t listen and a beloved garment got shrunk. Recalling my fond memories with my mom on simple domestic chores, I said, “It won’t go in the dryer, because we’re going to do laundry together!”
In my single-parent household, there’s no such thing as gender roles.
At the age of 10, I don’t get pushback on domestic duties—yet. It’s partly because in my single-parent household, there’s no such thing as gender roles. Cooking and cleaning along with gardening and taking out the trash has to be done without question. I’m responsible for a tidy house but my daughter is responsible for her tidy room. When I do laundry in her absence, I fold her clothes neatly in a pile and leave it on her bed. She’s the one who has to put things away.
I instill a sense of household responsibility that is inescapable. It’s how I was taught. And although I have the luxury to hire a housekeeper periodically, it doesn’t absolve me (us) from the daily chores. Chores were introduced to my daughter based on her age and her ability to perform them. It had always been a part of her growing up experience with me so she never felt it was someone else’s job. I also never used it as a punishment for her to correlate domestic duties as punitive. And I never associated domestic duties with the expectation of an allowance.
Your approach may be different. You may have more than one child and they negotiate what to do amongst themselves. But what’s worked with my daughter and me, I learned from my mom: lead by example and never do it for them what they can do for themselves. Remember it’s a process. The quality and cleanliness will improve with each of their attempts. Your weighted responsibilities will also lighten with each of their attempts.
