Why it’s important for a 6 year-old to learn to apologize
My then two-year old daughter hit me across the face one day when I was playing with her back when my ex-wife and I were still married. I don’t remember why and the reason doesn’t really matter as I know that it wasn’t done out of malice. The action is more likely a child being over excited and not knowing her own strength. In any event, I took the opportunity to talk about rough play, asked her to be gentle and apologize for it — even though she didn’t do it intentionally. It was proper play etiquette which lays the foundation for more complex interactions when she grows older. But it was amazing how this little thing got blown into a much bigger thing between the parents. My ex didn’t support the approach and was adamant that an apology wasn’t necessary. Our marriage was already on a downward spiral and this incident, like many others, hastened the split. In the end, my daughter eventually whispered ‘I’m sorry’ to me privately. Already at two, she was reading the parents like open books. She’s now 6 years-old and there have been many apologies between the two of us since that first incident.
Teaching her the value of apologies is never an exercise of justice, but one of compassion. The importance of offering and accepting apologies seldom has to do with what is right and wrong. My mother and aunt have had fuels for many decades. The incidents of the last generation are long forgotten, but the antipathy lingers. This translates to distance amongst us cousins; I still don’t know them as well as I should.
Apologies are not about what is right and wrong; nor is it about weakness as recognition of one’s own absence and mind and action is never a weakness. It is about building empathy and helping everyone to heal. Who knew that two little words can be so simple yet be so transformative?
Apologies are also not about weakness. It is an acknowledgement of one’s own fault, absence of mind, or other things that were totally in our control. Recognizing this can never be a weakness. My daughter and I were packing for an out of town trip and I had forgotten her favourite stuffed toy. I was truly regretful and explained that I genuinely forgot what was important to her. Her feelings weren’t diminished and she slept through the night anyway. Phew!
Apologies also build empathy and help everyone to heal. At a neighbourhood park, my daughter ran toward the ice cream truck with money clutched in her hands as did many other kids, big and small. She emerged triumphantly with a chocolate/vanilla swirl dipped in more chocolate. As she worked through the crowd, her little frame was knocked over by the masses of towering teenagers and she lost not only her footing, but her ice cream cone as well. She was a nanosecond from tears when a couple of teenagers saw this and immediately helped her to her feet, apologized for pushing her (they really didn’t), and barked a few words to their friends at the front of the line. A brief moment later, my daughter got a replacement ice cream cone. Her feeling of sadness and lost was wiped away by the teenagers’ apology which sprang from the recognition of loss and a gesture to repair. It was an unexpected delight to witness.
Compassion, recognition and empathy are the true pillars of genuine regret. I will strive (but will fail occasionally) to be a dad who acts out of compassion, recognizing one’s own contribution to a bad situation and extend a hand in empathy than a dad who acts out of principle, be stoic in demeanour and remain indifferent to a situation for the sake of being right.
Who knew that two little words can be so simple yet be so transformative?